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There’s nothing like alcohol to get grown adults to suddenly act like their best/worst 5 year old selves. Since alcohol just strips us of our good upbringing, it typically brings out our traits in really interesting (read: strange and probably not 100 percent safe) ways. Your zodiac sign’s drunk personality is no exception.
Personally, I do this super cute thing that my friends love where I hide my purse and then immediately forget where it is. I usually spend the rest of the night panicking and looking for it, forsaking all social interactions and definitely reaffirming that I am the weakest link. If I can’t find my bag quick enough (read: in 10 minutes), I accuse my dearest friends of losing it or taking it. So charming, right? WRONG. It’s terrible, and I have since rectified my known issue by not using a purse, and losing my ID and keys and chapstick over the course of the entire night—because I am open to change and growth, OK? The thing with drinking—you just gotta know your strengths. (And drink lots of water.)
But I digress.
Each sign is its own maelstrom of fun and personality. From signs that wanna get weird to those who feel the urgent need to cook something—we all bring something to the proverbial table. I always think it’s interesting, seeing how people act and connect when they aren’t all buttoned-up and focused on being their own personal representative. The ‘chill ones’ always get a little more neurotic, and the quiet ones usually end up being so funny I laugh until my ribs hurt. People are wonderfully surprising. Also, I like the way everyone gets all smudgey and then compliments each other in the bathroom. (Do guys do this, too? I hope so. It’s so wholesome.)
So what happens when you drink something a little scandalous? Do you have fun, or get weird and shamey? No judgement. Just something to think about.
Does this sound like you? Of course not. You’re perfect and dreamy and you don’t drink alcohol. But if you did…here’s your sign’s drunken alter ego.
Aries – The Daredevil
Aries loves doing crazy, weird shit when they’ve imbibed enough of the devil’s juice. They’re always the one willing to take whatever game or event to the next level. Fun and unpredictable, Aries are really good at getting people to follow their lead. They’re the friend that needs to be ‘bodyguarded’—aka, flanked on both sides by people with brute strength who can make sure Aries doesn’t decide to dive off the side of a rooftop bar or something equally alarming.
Taurus – The Energizer Bunny
This is the friend that you have to forcibly remove from the dance floor after last call. Makeup smeared and indignant, they usually have some words to say about it all. Like, “but I just want to DANCE” and “why are you being so mean to me?” Taurus has the best dance moves, and their hair actually seems to hold up where everyone else looks like a sweaty butthole by the end of the night. They also wear the best shoes.
Gemini – The One Who Gets Lost
Gemini is always buzzing with energy and wayyy too many ideas of questionable sanity—and alcohol only amplifies it. Gemini is the friend who goes off to get drinks and/or mozzarella sticks and then gets lost for two hours. Doesn’t matter who you call, or where you look—they’re gone. It’s like they have some crazy portal they go to that spits them back out just when you’re getting ready to file a missing persons report. Gemini’s just disappear, and show up two hours later with absolutely zero recollection of where they’ve been. And when they return, there is always something wrong with their phone. You can take that to the bank.
Cancer – The Gourmet Chef
Regardless of your proximity to Taco Bell or any other Fine Dining Establishment, Cancer always wants to cook some ridiculously over-the-top meal whenever they get wacky. They’re the ones who inevitably end up burning their arms on the stove and get emotional about it. The only thing you can do is hide all of the knives and try your best to convince Cancer that they don’t need to make crème brûlée from scratch. They are always out of pancake mix or syrup, and their drunk-quesadillas are the best things you’ll taste all year.
Leo – The Philosopher
Ahh, yes. Leo’s love a good, rousing conversation, and when drunk, they’re down to clown. By which I mean talk to you ad nauseum about Big, Abstract Ideas that don’t always connect. I can always tell when I’m talking to a Leo because my eyebrows furrow as I attempt to figure out what the hell is happening. Leo is smart, and even drunk, they’re articulate and profound. Pro-tip: When trapped in a monologue about the concept of time, try to steer towards non-verbal cues like staring at the door or deeply into the bottom of your drink until you can make your escape.
Virgo – The Free Petsitter
Dependable Virgo is one of the easier signs to contend with when plastered. Typically, they want to get settled in a nice corner of an air-conditioned house and pay attention to all the pets. They’re the one covertly snapping pictures of your dog while murmuring encouragements like, “wow, you’re so friendly.” If pets aren’t around, Virgo usually sets up shop near the snack table and stay there. They’re amazing DD’s, and if you make eye contact with them, they’re always good for a friendly conversation. Overall, A+. Love ’em.
Libra – The Overly-Friendly One
Libra goes to the club with one group of friends, and tries to leave with another. They’re the sign that gets drunk and somehow manages to befriend an entire bachelorette party and get invited to the actual wedding two weeks later. It is truly a feat to behold. I recommend a small tracking device (or, Find My Friends) to keep an eye on friendly Libra. I’ve had to pull a few of them out of Ubers as they attempt to leave with strangers. Try dressing them in bright clothing to keep an eye on them, and dress to impress. Who knows? You might get a wedding invite, too.
Scorpio – The One Who Loses Their Phone Privileges
Scorpio is always a good time until midnight—not unlike Cinderella. Only instead of losing their shoe, Scorpio reaches their Full Drunk State by wanting to text their exes and every shitty person who has ever wronged them. As Scorpio’s friend, it is your civic duty to confiscate their phone and make sure that they don’t hate themselves in the morning. Best methods depend on the individuals—some need tough love (dude, no. I’m not giving you your phone because you’ll ruin your life and I’m busy tomorrow, OK?) and some need a more tender touch (you deserve so much better! He left you in the desert for three days without water—rude! Let’s talk to someone who doesn’t make you feel subhuman after every interaction….).
Sagittarius – The Mover and Shaker
For some reason, when drunk, Sagittarius wants to change venues every two hours for absolutely no reason. This can be good—getting you to leave wimpy parties or sweaty clubs early without being a total killjoy—but it can also be: super! annoying! Not sure what makes Sagittarius turn all Aragon (not all those who wander are lost, etc.), but all you can do is set a firm limit on second and third locations and stay strong. Remember: they’re your ace in-a-hole when you want to leave—and generous, so at least they pay for the parade of Ubers.
Capricorn – The Human Golden Retriever
Two of my closest friends are Capricorns in the traditional sense—hot and ruthless, whip-smart and intimidating. And then you get them drunk and WHAM. Idk what turns Capricorn’s into soft cuddly puppies when drunk, but it’s so cute and charming that I don’t want to know. Leave it a mystery! Capricorns are the smiley ones making new friends and closing their eyes on the dance floor as they flail. They’re their own softest selves, and always down to get veggie burgers after. They are Extremely Precious.
Aquarius – The Wildcard
Aquarius will surprise you when they’re drunk—like wanting to go swimming in the middle of winter. Or starting a mini-revolution in the girls bathroom. Or, just getting really passionate about whatever they’re talking about. As a water sign, their fluidity means you’ll never know what to expect—but it’s usually fun and harmless. Aquarius wants a good time and snacks. And really, what else do you need?
Pisces – Sleeping Beauty
Doesn’t matter if its 9 pm on a Tuesday afternoon, or 2 am on Saturday night—when intoxicated, Pisces has a good twenty minutes before they completely knock out and fall asleep. I’ve seen this happen at karate studios, dance floors, various couches, on hardwood floors—and once, in a red dancers cage in a sad bar overlooking the Santa Monica mountains. Pisces is committed to beauty rest, and is a sound sleeper. Super low maintenance, and a great way to corral all your stuff in one place (as a pillow, obviously. I’m not a monster.) DO NOT FORGET THEM AT THE BAR. They will never let you forget it.