The Nick Kroll Guidebook to Mastering Social Media Etiquette

Jessica Hoppe

Social media has taken over all our lives. Thus by virtue of sheer opportunity we are all, at some point, guilty of the classicfaux pas.

I’m sure my “friends” and “followers” are sick of hearing/seeing me gush over my niece (that will never change de-friend me now), chronicle years of mybreak-up-make-up via Tumblr and tweet EVERY SINGLE article I’ve ever written. But you know what—these media are optional. Remember that.

But we should also try our best to be responsible users—having an awareness of how we are portraying ourselves is extremely important. Because real talk: we do it for the approval—that “like” from a random “friend,” re-tweet from an adored public figure or colleague, an offer of thanks on an especially intimate blog post.

That sense of communal support is a major benefit compared to the infinite number of potential disadvantages. So we want to keep that going, don’t we?

Who better to give us some quick (albeit salty) suggestions for “Mastering the Delicate Art of Social Media Etiquette” but comedianNick Kroll forDetails magazine.

Clickhere to read the full article. It’s LOL (hope that was correct usage, Nick).

Don’t give me constant updates of where you are eating or shopping. The only person who cares about that is your stalker, and the real joy for him is the hunt.

I can’t stand when people make plans on each other’s Facebook walls. Do that nonsense privately. Either I am not interested in what you are up to, or I am very interested in what you are up to and feel incredibly left out.

Let’s take it easy on the hashtags, folks. It’s fun to build on others’ ideas, but the long-hashtag-as-a-punchline needs to be well thought out. And, BTW, capitalize the first letter of each new word.

Do not tag me in photos that I am not in to get me to look at them. This little game does not ingratiate you to me, it makes me hate you. All I do all day is look for photos of myself on the Internet, and when I am pic-teased, I get super-angry about it. Do not be a pic-tease.

Don’t take pictures of your private parts and send them around willy-nilly, because they will end up on the Internet. Unless your boobs are really fantastic or your dick looks like fantastic boobs. In that case, send them around the Internet like a goddamn congressman.

Think before you ask someone to join hi5 or LinkedIn or whatever the next social-networking site is that will keep us from actually living our lives. And FYI: I WILL NOT JOIN LINKEDIN. The whole thing just reeks of guys with cell-phone belt holsters.

Don’t bother going on first dates anymore. Skip right to the second or third date. Why? Because if I have your full name, I will Google you, Facebook you, check you out on Tumblr, read your tweets, and see what your favorite YouTube videos are. The only thing you can learn about people on a first date is how good they are at pretending like they don’t already know everything about you.

Abbreviations r gr8 2 save space but use em sparingly othrwise dey just let us no dat u don no how 2 spell shit.

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