Justin Bieber Writes A Song For Fake Baby Mama: Here’s How It Should Go

Spencer Cain

sipausa 110372171 Justin Bieber Writes A Song For Fake Baby Mama: Heres How It Should Go

One of my favorite scandals of the past few years involved the false paternity claims that were hauled at Justin Bieber by Mariah Yeater, some random Valley girl who was probably bored of sipping Smirnoff Ice in a parking lot and decided to take on one of the most well-equipped legal teams in the damn world. Genius. Obviously, after a month or so of nonstop drama and a media blitz, she threw out the suit when it came to light that she was a lying lunatic.

Anyway, aside from this, it’s been a major year for Bieber. He has, in essence, had his proverbial Bar Mitzvah in front of the entire world. His relationship with Selena Gomez has become one of the most talked about couplings in Hollywood and his music is evolving at a rapid pace. In fact, he is set to record a song based off of the Mariah Yeater baby mama drama, and I couldn’t be more excited. Because I can’t wait any longer, I’ve teamed up with my colleague Jessica Rubin and prepared some proposed lyrics that the Biebs should really consider. See below:

“The Kid Ain’t Mine” (set to the tune of Brandy and Monica‘s masterpiece “The Boy Is Mine”)

Chorus: You need to give it up

I’ve never hit you up

You’re so full of sh*t

The kid ain’t mine

Verse: I think it’s time we had a chat

Selena’s tired of your crap

Your tears aren’t fooling anyone

Can’t you see what you’ve done?

I see how you could be freakishly obsessed with me

Even if I’m only 5 foot 3, I’m better than you’ll ever be

You see I’m trying to be nice

But you’ll never live the Bieber life

Hybrid cars and diamond chains

Nothing would ever be the same

But that kid ain’t mine

Chorus X 2

(Side note: We know Bieber isn’t 5’3″. And we know we aren’t the next Denise Rich here. It’s all in good fun. So chill.)