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I deleted my Instagram a while ago because it sort of felt like a giant meat market where everyone was either competing to a) get that ass or b) prove that their ass was the best proverbial ass in the land. And Tinder is no better. While Instagram is an app that is socially acceptable to scroll through during the day, Tinder is it’s embarrassing step-brother who still lives at home and has energy drink logos on a vast majority of his hats. Reading people’s Tinder bios is an exercise in trying to figure out what people think of themselves (and not necessarily who they actually are). It is DEEPLY INTERESTING. And party trick: It’s not even that difficult to connect people with their signs, unless their bio is completely emoji. Even then, though, you can usually parse something. So of course, that got me, your resident astrology enthusiast, thinking, “What if zodiac signs were people on Tinder? What would their dating app profiles look like?”
By studying Tinder bios (which usually takes two seconds, unless they are a serial killer—which is its own thing) you can figure out their sign and absolutely save yourself the trouble of trying to make plans with a Gemini (hello) or ask a Libra where they want to meet up (HA!).
So read up and get a strategy. Find your potential partner’s sign and decipher whether you should run for the hills or tell the person how much you love dogs and burritos. With this information, you can really stand out from the crowd—or just, you know, recognize that everyone is trying to connect inside what is essentially a giant advertising tool and that human connection is hard and maybe we’re all more complex than a caption underneath a picture that our friend took of us on vacation a year ago.
Scroll through to see what your zodiac sign’s Tinder bio would look like.
[Age]. Aries. [Some type of sport, but not softball]. Don’t bring your puppy unless you want me to ignore you. Fire emoji, beer emoji, star emoji.
Okay, so Aries will at least have something funny or cutting in their bio unless their rising sign is, like, in Virgo or whatever. Because they’re adventurous, their pics will probably be of them abroad or doing something interesting at a party.
Hobbies include: drinking all of the nice wine in stained sweatpants, making your parents love me, and [animal emoji].
Taurus loves a good TV marathon and the finer things in life. Expect their bios to be upfront about their interests and a calm and welcoming demeanor. They’re pretty straight-forward about their wants and expectations, which, honestly, is half the battle.
[Devil emoji] Already best friends with your ex-girlfriend.
While Gemini will definitely keep you interested with fun conversations and usually knows where to find the party—it comes at a cost. Honestly, you should just run unless it’s been a hot minute since you’ve made a bad decision. This is relatively low-stakes—as long as they don’t know where you live.
My name’s [name]. Looking for the Noah to my Allie—except I hate birds. Wealthy soldiers need not apply. [Cutesy string of emojis.]
Slightly earnest, definitely adorable. Cancer is looking for an emotional connection—which, to be fair, doesn’t exclude other extracurriculars (kissing, I’m talking about kissing)—and isn’t afraid to be honest about their big feelings and squishy heart.
My dad says our family has royal blood. I’m adopted. Basically, I’m stealing the throne.
Interestingly (or maybe not), Leos do really well on Tinder. Their extroverted natures will be clear in their photos and their bios. Their confidence is a definite crowd pleaser, and a Leo’s bio will make an impression.
Organized spreadsheets in the streets, 700-count-thread in the sheets. Also, I know how to cook: First, open the Seamless app. Next, look for coupons. Last, open the door and tip generously.
Virgo’s idea of fun may be different than some of the other signs, but their meticulous attention to detail means no typos, pictures that don’t have smudged mirrors or weird stuff in the background, and attention to detail that makes them fun and interesting to talk to.
Indecisive, but like, make it cute. Feminist, but don’t worry, I will definitely wear something slutty come Halloween.
Libras will keep it short and sweet so as to let their personality speak for itself. They are more likely to change their profile than other signs and won’t back down during a playful argument. They’re also more likely to mention their political affiliations and activism.
Willing to argue about your favorite TV shows ad nauseam, as long as you supply the food and are tall enough to ride my emotional rollercoaster.
Scorpios translate really well to online dating because their intensity is such a nice refresher from the general malaise and disinterest of others when trying to get to know someone through a screen. People tend to love or hate Scorpios. There’s rarely any middle ground.
WANDERLUST [world emoji]. Just another traveler, looking for someone to adventure with. I always pack extra toothpaste. [Inspirational quote probably by Rupi Kaur.]
We all know Sagittarius loves to travel, and their bio and pictures will provide concrete evidence of that. They’re also big fans of poetry, so they’re more likely to use quotes in their bios than other signs.
I have a lot in common with Ted Bundy—attractive, well-spoken, etc. But our biggest difference lies in the fact that I won’t get caught after I murder you.
Ah, Capricorn. They’re not one to bullshit, and if anyone is going to be real with you about how weird it is to online date, it’s gonna be a Capricorn. Most of their wooing technique will be abrasive, but they’re well worth the effort.
Single [dog/cat] parent looking for someone to spend my quarter-life crisis with. Swipe right for a standing invitation to trivia night, [sports team] games, and family game night. Ferarri not included.
Aquarius loves being a part of a community, and most of their pictures and bio will have something to do with the community they love or feature pictures of their pets and/or family. They want someone as dynamic as they are.
[Age]. Artist. Will draw for human companionship or health insurance. Preferably health insurance. I like long walks on the beach, [some type of alcohol that you drink out of the short glasses. Bourbon? IDK], and someone to carry my carcass home after said walk and [alcohol].
Pisces’ artistic creativity will be on full display in their Tinder bio. They love deep conversations, and are more willing to give you information about themselves upfront than some of the other signs. Pisces will make you see the world in a different light.