If Your Co-Workers Were Rappers, Here’s Who’d They Be

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We all love our coworkers, don’t we? Sure we do. Even if they’re 100 percent reading over your shoulder right now (oh, hi there!)

Here’s the thing, though: According to science, five out of five coworkers are annoying. And while there are lots ways to deal with pesky colleagues, the most effective way is to picture them as rappers.

Really: Visualizing that dude from accounting who never leaves his desk as Ice Cubicle? A perfect way to not only make you laugh during that gazillion-hour meeting, but it provides a helpful nickname that can be used when talking about your co-workers behind their backs (which you obviously never do.)

50cent2 If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be
When Two Cent asks if he can tell you what he thinks, it’s a rhetorical question. So, you play along and say yes, then sit there nodding. It doesn’t matter if it’s an email he wasn’t originally sent or a meeting he wasn’t originally invited to, he’s always there and ready to share his thoughts.

icecube4 If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be
No matter what you do, you can’t get this coworker out of his cubicle. He skips meetings, he skips lunch, he sometimes even skips going home. If you approach his cubicle, he treats you like an alien from some faraway planet, which is exactly how you feel about him.

kendrick If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be
If this coworker is already overloaded with work, why does he keep volunteering for more? Probably because he loves complaining that he worked all weekend and hasn’t slept in days.

snoop If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be

With Snoop Snoopy Dog, you need a screen protector for your screen protector. Whenever he’s near, his eyes are darting from your laptop to your phone to your tablet and back again. He should just take a picture, and there’s a good chance he has.

jeezy4 If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They BeYoung Sneezy is ill, but not in a good way. You tell him to go home, but he says he’s fine. Between sneezes and coughs, he’s touching your chair, your keyboard and your monitor, which explains why your desk smells like anti-bacterial soap.

notorious4 If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be

Like clockwork, you get an email from this coworker every Monday, Wednesday and/or Friday morning saying he’s working from home. You’ve started using his desk for cupcake parties.

youngbuck2 If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be
You want to do it your way? Try again. Young Buck the System will never follow the process you set up, even if it did take you a year to do. You try to teach him a lesson or two, but no matter what you do, nothing gets through.

eminiem If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be
This overzealous intern is scheduling meetings for 8am, writing 20 page documents, and always wants to “pick your brain”. The summer never seemed so long.

nikki If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be
No one expects perfection, except Nit Picky Minaj. No matter how hard you try to distract her with glaringly obvious mistakes, she skips past those and points out 10 ridiculously tiny things that no one else will care about.

kanye2 If Your Co Workers Were Rappers, Heres Whod They Be
Where’s the fire? There is no fire, but he’s in a rush anyway. He won’t wait for you to get off the phone before he starts talking, get out of the conference room before he’s starting his own meeting, or finish your sentence before he’s already replied to the email.

Sarah Cooper is a humorist, and her work can be found at The Cooper Review. Be sure to follow her on Facebook, too!

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