Lately, during the Q&A portion of my “Guide to Wicked Sex” workshops, many of the questions I’ve been getting are about anal. And it’s no wonder, when you consider the amount of couples I speak to who are worried there’s something wrong with them (their words!) because they couldn’t figure out how to have anal sex the way they saw me having it in movies. That was a big “a ha” moment, as it dawned on me that some people just aren’t able to differentiate porn for fantasy versus how it might translate in their own bedroom.
In porn, anal sex looks easy. With hardly any foreplay, the pool boy is suddenly pounding away at the back door, and everyone’s having orgasms everywhere. Ah, the joys of editing! Understand this: We’re trained professionals. You can still try this at home, but there are some things you should know beforehand.
It doesn’t happen instantly.
There’s usually prep work that happens before an anal scene. For many performers, this includes doing an enema several hours prior. For you folks at home, it may be enough to have a shower. If you DO want to try an enema, I suggest doing this on your own the first time, on a day you’re not planning on taking part in any anal play. You can get one at your nearest drugstore, but pour the contents out and fill it with lukewarm water instead. Most enemas are a saline laxative, and that’s something that you want to avoid right before attempting anal sex, trust me.
We warm up, and so should you.
This means different things for different people. I know performers who will wear a butt plug for a few hours while they’re in the makeup chair. For you, that might look more like practicing with small toys and gradually working your way up to bigger sizes. Also, make sure you and your lover start slowly—maybe with tongues, a finger, more fingers, a toy, a bigger toy, and then maybe a strap-on or a penis, depending on the equipment you have. The more aroused you are when this process starts, the better. Masturbate or engage in clitoral stimulation at the same time, and maybe use a vibrator like the WeVibe Touch for added sensation.
Lube is your BFF.
In movies, rarely will you see actors stopping and grabbing lube, although we often do. Our asses are not self-lubricating, no matter how turned on we are, and it’s a really delicate area that you don’t want injured. Not only is lube important, but you also need to find the type that works the best for you. Silicone, or a thick, cushiony water-based formula are the best choices. Coconut oil is really popular right now, but I don’t like it for many reasons, including the fact that it should be fractionated coconut oil (and who’s really reading the fine print when they’re just trying to get it on?!?), it can harbor bacteria, and it’s not compatible with condoms. Try Wicked Sensual’s Jelle or Ultra. For added sensation play, try the Ultra Heat or Ultra Chill. Once you find your favorite, when you use it during anal play, put it on whatever you’re about to (slowly) insert. Once it’s in, you’ll pull it out and reapply. Do this a few times until things are really lubed up. You can NEVER have enough lube.
Anal safety is really, really important.
Please do not use numbing creams. Pain is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. If you numb that area, you may cause damage you won’t know about until it’s too late. If your partner has a vagina, please don’t go back and forth with fingers, toys, or your cock. This can create big problems in the form of a bacterial infection. Make sure if you’re putting anything inside you anywhere, the base is wider than the top. This is so you can GET IT OUT. If you’re having anal sex and see tiny amounts of blood, that’s probably OK, but if it’s more than that or darker in color, please seek medical attention.
It doesn’t always work, and that’s OK too.
In porn, performers may be hired for an anal movie or a very specific scene. Off camera, you don’t have the same pressure. If things aren’t going your way, and you or your partner experience pain, don’t feel like you have to continue. You can try again next time.
Last, but certainly not least: communicate.
Talk with your partner before, after, and during to set boundaries and share expectations. Make sure things are going well, and follow up afterward about things that either of you can do to make the next time even better.
And P.S.: No “Oops, wrong hole!” EVER.
If you’d like more information, I have two volumes regarding anal sex in my “Guide to Wicked Sex” line of instructional DVDs: “Anal Play for Men,” and “Anal”. You can also tweet me questions at @Guide2WickedSex.
Adult superstar Jessica Drake is an exclusive Wicked Pictures contract performer, writer, and director, as well as an emerging sexual wellness authority. In her award-winning, self-directed “Guide to Wicked Sex” series, Jessica brings erotic topics to life through intimate demonstrations performed by some of today’s hottest adult stars. A charismatic public speaker, the same demand for her modern sex education DVDs also takes Jessica around the world, presenting seminars and workshops at expos, retail outlets, and universities, where she speaks to curious adults desiring to learn more about sex, romance, and communication. Follow her on Twitter, and visit Guide To Wicked Sex.