A too-large-for-you dick: It’s one of those things that doesn’t sound like a big deal (and even seems like kind of a good problem to have) until it happens to you and you realize it can actually be prohibitively painful. If you’re in this situation, we have solutions from our impossible-to-faze columnist Dr. Eve, clinical sexologist and author of Cyber Infidelity: The New Seduction and host of the #CyberInfidelity podcast (downloadable here).
It’s also Pride Month, and Dr. Eve has answers for how to let a potentially asexual friend know you’re a safe space without forcing him or her to come out if she’s not ready. And for you ladies who love receiving oral sex but are also OCD about hygiene, there’s a gem in here for you, too.
Q: I think my friend’s asexual–should I let them know they can talk to me about it?
A: First piece of advice: Don’t make assumptions. There’s stigma that surrounds single people—people who aren’t in relationships and aren’t seeking a partner. Naturally, people assume there’s something wrong with you if you choose this lifestyle since monogamous relationships have traditionally been set as the ideal for which everyone should strive.
As a clinician I remain surprised by and respectful of the variety and ingenuity of sexual expressions people enjoy, which is why neither you nor I—or anyone—can or should ever make assumptions about people’s sexuality, preferences and behavior. For example, perhaps your friend is silently sexual online, be it with porn or real people. Perhaps he or she engages in a specific fetish that’s socially unacceptable, so keeps it very private for fear of being judged.
Or perhaps you’re right and your friend identifies as LGBTQIA (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning, intersex and intergender, and asexual and anonymous and ally). Despite a fair amount of progress we’ve made in terms of rights for and social acceptance of LGBTQIA people, coming out remains a really difficult process—and most people are woefully undereducated about asexuality, making it even harder for those who might want to come out. Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which people are not interested in being sexual with others. Romance may be desired and masturbation may even happen, but sex is not part of the attraction of a relationship.
The best way for you to manage your concern and care is to discuss sexuality as an objective topic, sharing values and beliefs about it. Discuss podcasts or shows you watch and books you read that make it clear you’re open-minded and nonjudgmental about diverse sexual orientations. Asking outright, while well intended, is not the way to go. Instead, let your friend know indirectly that you’re a safe space if and when they’re interested in opening up to you about it.
Q: I’m dating a guy whose penis is so large, it hurts. Help!
A: I’m glad you’re taking this seriously, because it’s no joke! It seems reasonable to guess that because the muscles surrounding the vagina are elastic and flexible, adjustment will happen naturally to accommodate any size, and since there are few nerves inside the vagina, a large penis will not cause pain—but that’s definitely not the case.
More than length, it’s girth that matters during sex. A wider girth often brings women pleasure as we feel filled up, but too much width can cause pain as it’s simply uncomfortable to fit into a mouth, anus or vagina. Here are some tips for actually enjoying yourself during sex with a man who has an XXL dick.
- Never suffer in silence. It’s terrible and unsustainable for you to have regular pain during sex and you’ll end up avoiding it altogether—there goes your relationship down the drain. Talk to him about it, since he should want this to feel good for you, too.
- Take your time. Now that you’ve discussed it, your anxiety should be less acute and hopefully you can relax and naturally lubricate. However, leave extra time for foreplay so your vagina can get fully ripe and ready. Accept that quickies may not allow for full thrusting penetration.
- Lubricant and moisturizer are essential. I suggest you squirt moisturizer into your vagina before sexual play begins to keep your vagina wet inside for your whole session. Be sure to use silicone-based lubricant as it lasts the longest.
- Pick the right positions. It’s best to use positions in which you have control over depth, pace and movement—when you’re on top, for instance. This way you can slow down, speed up, and move deeper when you’re ready.
- Don’t force it. You don’t have to have full vaginal penetration during every session in order to have great sex. Partial penetration can be pleasurable and you can simultaneously stimulate the rest of his shaft with your hand and some lube. Oral sex can also be fun as you use your mouth, tongue, lips and hands to stimulate him—no need to deep throat your man.
Q: Should my S.O. go down on me after eating and drinking?
A: There’s a cultural construct that female genitals are this foreign land that others invade and women surrender only when they’re ‘clean down there.’ Too many women take this cleaning process way too seriously. The truth is, your vagina is an incredible self-cleaning machine. You don’t need to treat it as if it’s super-delicate.
All a vulva requires is daily washing with warm, soapy water — just regular soap that you use everywhere else on your body. In fact, over-cleaning your vagina with antiseptic washes and other over-the-counter products are harmful, as they can erode the important and protective inner lining of your vagina.
If you’re prone to yeast infections and concerned that you’re more susceptible to certain bacteria, it’s helpful to take vaginal probiotics that can ensure you have enough of the good bacteria to stay healthy. Sleeping commando to allow your nether parts to get some air can also help with this.
Otherwise, in general, the only act that could be considered unsanitary about someone going down on you is a lack of consent on either side. Consuming food and alcohol is what people do before, after and even during sex—no worries or judgment! (Unless it’s jalapeno peppers, of course—in which case, be careful.)