Highlights From 50 Cent’s Teen Bullying Novel

Spencer Cain

Rapper, friend of Goldie Hawn and Vitamin Water entrepreneur Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson has written a “partially autobiographical” novel dealing with teen bullying called Playground. He’s not the first hip-hop mogul to put out a book — we all know Diddy‘s ode to the beauty of the female booty will be released soon. The protagonist of the novel is named “Butterball” (I kid you not), and in the introduction available on Entertainment Weekly, he states that, “There’s a lot of me in Butterball.”

There is something just so alarming and absurd about that sentence, but the message of the novel — that “being a bully won’t get you anywhere” — is certainly relevant. That said, let’s take a look at some of the most ridiculous sentences within the first three chapters of Playground.

  • “Thewhole place stank like week-old fried chicken, and I was supposed to take this skinny white woman seriously?” (I mean…)
  • “And for the record, I don’t answer to ‘lady.’ You can call me Liz or Ms. Jenner, whichever you like, but those areyour only options.” (Ms. Jenner? I honestly think he was sitting on his couch watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians while writing.)
  • “At lunch I was too hopped up toeat, and anyone who knows me understands how janky that was. But no one noticed because no one at J. Watkins Junior High School gave a sh*t about my fat assone way or another.” (I’m sorry, I thought Faulkner wrote this already?)
  • “My Nike X Series had been the coolest shoes ever when I got them almost two years ago, right when my parents split up and were feeling guiltyabout sh*t.” (Ah, yes. The classic post-divorce Nike purchase.)
  • “All right, Butterball. I’ve really enjoyed talking to you today, and I look forward to our next meeting. I think the two of us can make a lot of progress together, I really do.” (Okay, I know I already addressed “Butterball”…but seriously.)

Image via Sipa