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Look, I’m just gonna say it: Weird shit happens during full moons. Crimes increase, children have full-on melt-downs in grocery stores, and I always, always have to have a stern conversation with myself that I do not look good with bangs. Basically, the full moon is the celestial equivalent of getting drunk in a fancy bar at a hotel pool. The possibilities are endless—and according to your July 2019 full moon horoscope, you gotta watch the eff out.
Full moons signify the harvest or culmination of our efforts. It’s easy to think of this in terms of Big, Important Things, like life partners and career choices, etc., etc. But we are emotional creatures. Entrusted with expensive technology that is very, very breakable. And really, whose fault is that? (Answer: Not ours! Or at least, not directly). So what happens when the moon, which controls our emotions and the tides (and hiiiii, humans are 60 percent water), also has dominion over our phones?
Mayhem! Destruction! Or at the very least—cracked screens. And listen, while it can happen to any of us, there are some of us that like to live dangerously. Each sign has its highlights—and its lowlights (we’ll call them “areas of growth”). Every full moon, ask yourself: Which traits am I embodying? Ones that lead to my highest good, or ones that are easy in the moment that cause anguish and suffering. Case in point: Taco Bell vs. cooking something at home, or calling a friend to get sucked into the vortex of their drama instead of dealing with your own issues. You have control over yourself. You can’t control the moon and tides, or children out in public—but you can control your actions. You can act in your own best interests, everyday, with a little reflection.
While four signs in particular are susceptible to damage this full moon—which, by the way, is coinciding with a partial! lunar! eclipse!—everyone should be careful. We are all one drop away from the judgment of others as we try to show them pictures of animals or our weekend trip to our parents with wrecked screens.
The four signs likely to crack their phones this full moon/partial lunar eclipse/truly batshit celestial event:
This full moon, be aware of cracks in the sidewalk—and any and all hesitation—when it comes to agreeing to a trip to Target at 9 P.M. Your iPhone screen is a dangerous and coy creature—it wants nothing more than to swan-dive out of your hands onto the hard, unforgiving concrete floors that this world is so fond of.
It’s gonna happen when you’re telling a really good story. It’ll start with something innocuous. You’ll gesture, and knock over a glass of water. It happens! Your friends will say. No big deal! But they have no way of knowing the truth. This one spill is the beginning of the end. As you go to grab a napkin and repair the damage, a chain reaction will occur. Your phone will drop—WHAM. Straight to the hardwood floor. You’ll know even before the moment of impact: Your phone is screwed.
Your calm and reliable demeanor will be challenged this full moon. Whether it be friends, coworkers or a visiting cousin—something is sure to shake you up. Keep this in mind as you tuck your iPhone into the front pocket of your cutest overalls or wide-legged pants. This may seem like the safe bet—after all, it’s not in your hands. WRONG. Pockets in women’s clothing is a cruel, short joke where the punchline is the spider-webbed glass of your screen.
You’re on a run, or maybe a leisurely walk. The moon is full and thick and gorgeous, like Beyoncé every single moment of every day. All of a sudden, you hear a howl. OK, you think. But werewolves aren’t even real.
You hear a snap of twigs. Bunnies, you think. I’m fine. This is fine. Then another howl—this time closer. You reach for your phone to call 911—but it jumps out of your hand as if possessed. The screen cracks. You can hear the panting of a large dog coming nearer and nearer. You close your eyes. You can smell them—the other werewolves. Your claws retract as you howl and transform into your true nature. Your brethren are close. You hear a snap of twigs. Bunnies, you think. I’m fine. This is fine. Then another howl—this time closer. You reach for your phone to call 911—but it jumps out of your hand as if possessed. The screen cracks. You can hear the panting of a large dog coming nearer and nearer. You close your eyes. You can smell them—the other werewolves. Your claws retract as you howl and transform into your true nature. Your brethren are close.
Love, love, love.