The Famously Unwed ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ Is At It Again

Jessica Hoppe

More compelling than the fifty surgical procedures Patti Stanger obviously underwent to prepare for the premiere of her show The Millionaire Matchmaker, is the seemingly endless supply of tools she finds out there. So I guess what is really most impressive about the show is the casting director.

Well done, also by the way, on casting the ridiculous clown couple she calls the CO, Destin, and Rachel, VP of Matching. What exactly does “VP of Matching” mean? Can you major in that in college because I must have missed that one in my course catalogue.

Anywho, onto the real hilarity provided by the idiot bachelors and the gold-diggers, I mean bachelorettes, who are willing to trade their dignity for the no-prenup hook-up.

Patti opened strong Monday night with Gary a slow talking New Yawker who made his millz on the internet. Shocker. Patti quickly diagnosed his block as a multiple-personality issue as he uttered conflicting statements all episode. At first saying,”I want to settle down.” And later retracting saying, “but settling down isn’t for me!”

Groundbreaking-a man from New York who doesn’t know what he wants? This is not a case for Freud or even Kinsey. I don’t think this guy could spell his name backwards if you asked him.

Garebear would like to get laid. Full stop. Punto finale. Being on television shouting his million dollar bank account will help him accomplish this more easily. And the fact that he chooses the girl he has absolutely NOTHING in common with besides the fact that she seemed to be the loosest goose, just proves my point.

Onto the bigger tool, Michael, who was at least physically attractive-MIRACLE! Patti’s diagnosis as she undressed him with her cougar eyes: he’s a “tester.” This means that he will purposefully ask potential mates questions in order to qualify or eliminate them. More likely eliminate since he is a world-traveled, mulit-lingual, class-o-meter. Hence why he is on the show. Obviously.

So what did this Cate Blanchett-loving linguist plan for his date? A photoshoot ,of course, with hisdate dressed as a pin-up draped all over an ostentatious car. And the best part about it was that the girl went along with it. Curling and sucking in whilst trying to pose as the Michaelangelo he described.

Here’s a tip Mike: stop talking, hand her the black Amex and she’ll let you take her for a”ride.” And stop acting like you’re above it, “wackadoo.”

Oh yeah and Patti is single. This should be HILARIOUS!