Douchebag Dating

Marina

The Douchebag: typically very social, slightly charismatic, more than slightly sleazy, and always surrounded by a gang of pretty girls. He can be encountered worldwide, with higher frequency in cities such as L.A. and New York. He enjoys knowing everybody everywhere and tends to inhabit the same venues regularly. In New York, the Douchebag can be easily spotted at Cipriani’s, Gold Bar and the Jane Hotel, usually surrounded by the entire “fresh faces” department of Ford Models.

You all know who he is, and you’ve probably all dated him at one point or another. He will do wonders for your ego just by asking you out, and then bring it down to zero by never calling you again (or booty calling you for the next year).

It is probably best to avoid the Douchebag altogether and, instead, opt for nice guys who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. However, since many of you are allergic to nice guys until your late twenties, it’s probably best to know some Douchebag dating basics to make the whole experience less traumatic.

The key to dating the Douchebag is to be mentally prepared that it probably won’t lead anywhere, and to just take it for the fun experience that it is. The date will most likely be great: he will shower you with compliments, introduce you to a million people, and be his usual charming self. However, if afterwards he just so happens to disappear, do everybody a favor and do not blame yourself. The explanation is so much simpler: the Douchebag generally has the attention span of a two-year-old and simply cannot focus on one game (or girl) at a time. Plus, he is most likely to reemerge at some point. (I also have a theory that the Douchebag dates down his BlackBerry contact list, so your turn will come in alphabetical order.)

For the determined bunch, there are probably some tricks you can deploy to hold down the Douchebag’s interest. All of them involve a serious game of hard-to-get: acting even weirder than him, disappearing for large periods of time, not answering his texts. Basically, all that juvenile stuff that takes up way more energy than it deserves. I suppose, in essence, you must become a Douchebag yourself. It’s messy…play at your own risk.

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