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Here’s a fun newsflash for you: We (literally all of us) are terrible at dating. If you can find me one person who is good at showing up to a bar and exchanging get-to-know-you small talk with a stranger for 1.5 hours while laughing the correct amount and at places in the conversation where it makes sense 100 percent of the time, then I will show you an alien invader from another galaxy who is trying to live among us but didn’t do enough research. There’s no doubt about it—we are all trash when it comes to dating. BUT, Don’t you want to know what brand of trash bag you are? Here, your worst dating habits, according to your Myers-Briggs personality type.
I can, nay, must harness the power of the Myers-Briggs to scry your exact dating style based on your MBTI. I know what you’re thinking: I’m too special. There’s no way you can tell my extremely specific dating style based on my Myers-Briggs type! But I’ve been down in my laboratory doing all sorts of personality test sciences and only now do I emerge with my results.
And I hate to break it to you, but these things are 100 percent, empirically accurate. It’s a done deal! I’ve done all the hard, gristly labor down in the Personality Mines and now all you have to do is scroll down and see what your dating woes are. The good news? No type’s dating flaws are impossible to change—except for INTJ’s! Just kidding, INTJs, you know I love you.
Read on to know how you ruin dates, you sweet attractive date-ruiner, you.
Look, it’s not your fault you’ve got a competitive side! What probably is your fault, though, is managing to find your date’s board games closet early on in the relationship and crushing them so far into the dust at Monopoly that they’re no longer able to consider you a sexual prospect. Win some, lose some, I guess.
You confound people by being soft and sensitive while also fighting like a deranged coyote against any sort of entanglements. You’re either ready to elope or looking to run away at a moment’s notice. Not sure if you know this, but “Let me be free, but also don’t let me go!” is what those of us in the dating world refer to as a ~mixed message~.
Every date you’ve ever had has been your Absolute Soulmate because, turns out, it’s much easier for you to discover the five things about a person that are FANTASTIC than the 10 things that are annoying, tiresome or conflict with your schedule. Ah well, on to the next One!
Arriving with a bulleted list of Relationship Objectives to accomplish might be a bit intimidating to some folks. Perhaps consider that not every human interaction requires a five-year plan for a first date.
You’re constantly showing up late to dates because you got distracted by yet another artsy documentary about bees you found on Netflix. And even when you finally arrive, you’ll still be still preoccupied with the bees! No surprise, your dates will definitely call you emotionally unavailable.
Things go really well until a couple of months in when you realize you’re the only reason they’ve made it to any event/function/dentist appointment and you’ve become the legal guardian of their houseplants and pets. You might want to consider cutting down on your emotional labor—or at least start sending invoices for it.
Sure, the person you’re kind of seeing is cute and nice and smells good, but they only hit five out of the eight criteria on your list of necessary personality traits. And it would just be sloppy of you to overlook that!
You might not make the biggest first impression, but it’s only because you’re busy running a mental inventory on all the blankets in your home and wondering how many you could physically wrap around yourself at once the second you get home. Who could blame you?
Congrats! You’re a great partner! Until the impulse to drive across the country or apply for an artist residency in France or burn all your credit cards and live in an abandoned bus in the woods kicks in and you totally blank on the fact that you were seeing someone until the next calendar year.
Your date likes you fine, but you immediately wear them out with Fun Date Activities. Trying to cram in a hot air balloon ride, mime classes and an Ocean’s 11-style jewel heist into one night might seem romantic, but it’s also just the teensiest bit exhausting.
You suffer some basic breakdowns in communication. You thought “date” meant they would shut up and let you talk about a book on the history of celebrity animals you just read, but now they want to talk about feelings or something? Like, they don’t understand how important these archival images of dogs on unicycles are??? SMH.
Congrats, you took it too seriously. What did you take too seriously? Whether it was discussing whose family to spend Christmas with on date three or just really overdoing it when explaining the correct way to parallel park, your lack of chill did you dirty.
You’re extremely trusting, which isn’t bad! It usually inspires people to be trusting in return! But there is a limit on that, and you probably shouldn’t keep offering to co-sign a lease for someone on a second date. Not everyone is as open and honest as you are.
Your date runs out of steam after having to scale the side of a building to retrieve you after a comedic bit goes wrong. Don’t worry though—it was a really good bit and definitely worth the fire department being called. It’s just that your date has to go lie down now. But maybe they’ll call!
You’ve noticed your love interest has been a bit cold to you lately—but, in their defense, you guys have never actually spoken. I know you think your routine of smiling and almost making eye contact when you ride the elevator together seems bulletproof, but you might have to actually exchange words at some point to start something for real.
Look, you’ve gotta stop responding to simple questions about yourself as if you are under a full FBI inquisition. The conversation might flow better if someone doesn’t have to reach for a crowbar to pry even the smallest details out of you. When your date asks you what you like to do in your free time, they’re not looking for a means to destroy you—you can just tell them!