In a new essay, Chrissy Teigen responds to the “hate” over the baby loss photos she shared on social media in late September. At the time, Teigen, 34, revealed she and husband John Legend, 42, lost their baby boy Jack due to pregnancy complications. The model shared the heartbreaking news with a series of black-and-white photos of herself and Legend in the hospital with their son—photos that went on to draw everything from support to criticism across the web.
One month later, Teigen has shared her reflections on the photos and the loss of her child. In an essay posted to Medium on Tuesday, October 27, the Lip Sync Battle host opened up about everything that happened during her third pregnancy, including her partial placenta abruption diagnosis that came at 20 weeks. “I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption,” she wrote. “We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in.”
But things ultimately took a turn for the worst. After “bags and bags of blood transfusions,” Teigen’s doctor told her “it was time to say goodbye” as her son wouldn’t survive delivery—and she might not have, either, if things continued the way they were going. “I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again,” she wrote. “Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
That “first picture” was one of five shared on Instagram on September 30 as Teigen announced the loss of her son. Teigen explained in her essay that these photos were extremely important for her to have: “I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was,” she wrote. “I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it.”
She continued, “He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles,” she wrote, referring to her 4-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son with Legend. “And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
As for anyone who criticized Teigen’s choice behind sharing these photos and her story, she couldn’t be more unbothered. “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos,” she shared in her essay. “How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
The rest of Teigen’s essay is available to read over on Medium.