Bradley Cooper? Eh! Our Choices For People’s Sexiest Man

Spencer Cain

The moment you’ve all been waiting for is finally here: People has named its Sexiest Man of the Year, and I couldn’t be more disappointed. Apparently, they’ve chosen Bradley Cooper, which is probably the safest and most boring choice I can possibly think of. Their reasons for this pick include that he’s a “Georgetown grad [who] can whip up dinner, take you for a spin on his motorcycle and whisper sweet nothings in French (he’s fluent!). Just don’t try convincing him what a catch he is.”

Uh, cool. Another bro who was educated at a “top university” and can speak multiple languages. Trust me, this is absolutely not something to write home about. These boys are a dime a dozen, and at the end of the day, all they care about is themselves. Here are three more appropriate choices for this gloriously coveted honor.

  • Ryan Gosling — Frankly, I was shocked that he didn’t have this cover. This was certainly the year of the Gosling, and with good reason. Not only is he a sweet-faced little muffin, he’s a muscular badass who breaks up fights in Astor Place. Oh, and he can actually act! More importantly, he started out in the Mickey Mouse Club, so while Bradley Cooper was hitting the books and probably living in a vile frat house, Gosling was tooling around the country with Justin Timberlake. Honestly, this was the clear choice.
  • Jared Leto — Say what you will about Jared Leto. He may be a little bit of a freak, but frankly, that’s a lot sexier than having a personality that can easily be compared to watching paint dry. Leto is raunchy, and he’s also the king of reinvention. While many youngsters around me have suddenly decided that they like My So-Called Life, real Leto fans have been watching it since it was rerun on MTV in the mid 1990s. Jordan Catalano became a cultural icon, and now Leto is back in the game thanks to a successful music career and a huge fashion following. I’m in love with this man and always will be. In the already words of Sinad O’Connor, “Nothing Compares 2 U.”
  • Jude Law — Jude Law is an oldie but a goodie. Sure, he’s a little bit older, and he may not have the same swag he did back in The Talented Mr. Ripley. But let’s face the facts: He is a sexy British playboy who has no problem in the gorgeous girls department. When he and Sienna Miller broke up (for the 40th time) I was crushed, but I know that in each other’s hearts, they will always be in love. Jude is sexy because he’s dangerous, but also clearly a convincing sweet-talker who gets what he wants. Even when he stops deciding to dye his hair, I can tell that he’ll be a silver fox.

Tell me what you think! Who would you pick for Sexiest Man Alive?