‘I Need to Align My Energy with the Time,’ and 10 More of the Best/Worst Celebrity Excuses Ever

Rachel Krause
‘I Need to Align My Energy with the Time,’ and 10 More of the Best/Worst Celebrity Excuses Ever
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Lauryn Hill took to Facebook on Sunday to apologize to fans for arriving more than two hours late to her Atlanta concert over the weekend. Well, it was less an apology and more an explanation of sorts—the word sorry was never used, but many others were!

“I don’t show up late to shows because I don’t care. And I have nothing but Love and respect for my fans. The challenge is aligning my energy with the time, taking something that isn’t easily classified or contained, and trying to make it available for others. I don’t have an on/off switch. I am at my best when I am open, rested, sensitive, and liberated to express myself as truthfully as possible. For every performance that I’ve arrived to late, there have been countless others where I’ve performed in excess of two hours, beyond what I am contracted to do, pouring everything out on the stage.”

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Essentially, Hill told fans that her inability to perform on schedule was due to a need to align her energy with the time, which is a justification I am furious I did not think of first. But this excuse is just one in a long line of celebrity excuses, from the very serious (see: the Who frontman Pete Townshend, doing “research” on child porn) to the completely absurd (see: everything that has ever come out of Lindsay Lohan‘s mouth).

In the spirit of cop-outs, a homage to the 10 best/worst celebrity excuses of all time—please note that these are not to be recycled.

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Paris Hilton, on a bag full of cocaine falling out of her purse: "That isn't mine, but I think it might be gum."

In 2010, Paris and a group of friends were pulled over by a cop who noticed the "strong odor of marijuana coming from the vehicle." As spectators gathered, the heiress asked the cop to take her to a nearby hotel bathroom so she could regain composure. She then asked to apply lip balm, and as she reached into her purse, a "clear baggie" containing .8 gram of cocaine came tumbling out. According to reports, Paris told cops "she had not seen it, but now thought it was gum." She also denied that the purse even belonged to her, but claimed ownership over the asthma meds, Zig Zags, and $1,300 in cash and credit cards inside. Everything but the coke, basically.

Photo: Getty Images

Eddie Murphy, on being pulled over at 4:45 a.m. with a "known transsexual prostitute" in his car: "They looked like they were having a problem and asked me to give them a ride home, so I accepted."

Murphy was pulled over by West Hollywood cops in 1997 after they saw Atisone Seuli, who had an outstanding warrant for prostitution, getting inside. Spokespeople for the comedian said that he had trouble sleeping and decided to drive to a newsstand, where he spotted Seuli "having a problem" and offered to drive her home. "I did nothing wrong," Murphy was quoted as saying. "I was trying to be a good Samaritan and this is what happens." He later told People, "This is an act of kindness that got turned into a fucking horror show." (Murphy was not accused of any wrongdoing.)

Photo: Getty Images

Ashlee Simpson, on her lip-synch snafu during a 2004 episode of "Saturday Night Live": "I had acid reflux."

Simpson, then 19, blamed her disastrous "SNL" performance on acid reflux—as in, she needed her backing track cranked up extra loud because her acid reflux was making her voice hoarse. "She has a backing track that she pushes so you don't have to hear her croak through a song on national television," her dadager Joe Simpson told Ryan Seacrest on Los Angeles radio station KIIS-FM. "No one wants to hear that." Ah.

Photo: Getty Images

Amanda Bynes, after she was charged with felony tampering with evidence for throwing a bong out a window: "It was just a vase."

During peak crisis in 2013, Bynes got the cops called on her in her apartment after a building official saw her smoking a joint in the lobby, "acting erratically and talking to herself." She let police in, but when they saw her bong, she tossed it out the window. Later, she claimed the paraphernalia was "just a vase."

Photo: Getty Images

Charlie Sheen on being found "highly intoxicated and naked" in a room at the Plaza Hotel: "I had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication."

In 2010, an "emotionally disturbed" Sheen, then in the height of his tiger blood mania, was hospitalized after destroying a suite at the luxury hotel. He admitted to police that he'd been "out partying" and, upon returning to his hotel, noticed his wallet was missing and promptly lost his shit. His rep later explained that the explosive meltdown and subsequent hospitalization was due to "an adverse allergic reaction to some medication." That's one way to describe a drug-induced freakout.

Photo: Getty Images

Khloé Kardashian, on a 2008 DUI arrest: "It was the anniversary of my father's death."

Khloé appeared on Ryan Seacrest's radio show to discuss the incident, saying, "Right around the time that I actually got pulled over was the anniversary of my father's death." Her arrest was even reenacted in a "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" episode with the following description: "On the anniversary of her dad's death, Khloé spirals out of control and gets busted for a DUI." And yet! Robert Kardashian died on September 30, 2003. Khloé got nabbed on March 4, 2008. Something doesn't quite add up.

Photo: Getty Images

Lindsay Lohan, after cops found cocaine in her pants pocket: "I am wearing a pair of borrowed jeans."

Lohan is kind of the Hollywood queen of bizarre excuses, including this one, which she used in a statement to the court following her infamous 2007 car chase. Cops found two types of cocaine in her urine, as well as half a gram of coke in her pants pocket. She explained away the latter charge, saying, "I am wearing a pair of borrowed jeans from a friend/assistant.… She wore a pair of my jeans."

Photo: Getty Images

Nicole Richie, after being arrested for a DUI: "The painkillers are for my menstrual cramps."

It's hard to believe the now very domestic Richie was ever a drug-addled mess, but that she was. In 2006, the "Simple Life" star was accused of driving under the influence and tested positive for marijuana and Vicodin. According to friends in the press, she claimed that the (illegally obtained) Vicodin was not indicative of a pill problem, but rather was being used to treat her menstrual pain.

Photo: Getty Images

Winona Ryder, on her 2001 shoplifting spree: "It was research for a role."

Security guards snagged Ryder outside Saks Fifth Avenue after the actress helped herself to $4,760 worth of merchandise. A source revealed that she said "a director [of an upcoming movie] suggested she do this for research," while her defense lawyer claimed it was a "misunderstanding." Ryder was not reported to be working on any new films at the time.

Photo: Getty Images

Method Man on his 2009 arrest for tax issues: "Because I got high, I forgot to pay."

The Wu-Tang Clan founding member failed to file his New York State income taxes from 2004 through 2007 and owed a total debt of $32,799. He told reporters that his chronic marijuana use was to blame for his absentmindedness and thus his failure to pay. "Because I got high, I forgot to pay. It was stupid," he said, verbatim.

Photo: Getty Images

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