Any sports fan can get passionate about their team, but Ben Affleck went on a level-five rant yesterday on the premiere of Bill Simmons’s new talk show, and all we can say is that you should stop what you’re doing and watch this clip immediately, because it is insane. This is the kind of celebrity crash-and-burn that we all love to watch, although (or perhaps because) it is more than a bit train wreck–y.
Good thing Simmons’s show, “Any Given Wednesday,” is on HBO, because Affleck dropped the F-bomb no less than 18 times during his rant about “Deflategate,” slurring his words and pretty much acting like that belligerent sports fan you try to get rid of at the bar. In case you don’t follow sports (no shame in that game), Deflategate happened last year when the NFL accused the New England Patriots of tampering with footballs in a championship game, which resulted in a four-game suspension for Tom Brady. “Deflategate is the ultimate bullshit fucking outrage of sports ever,” Affleck said, kicking things off. “It’s so fucking stupid.”
But that was only the beginning. Over the course of five minutes, a red-faced Affleck went on to express his real feelings about the NFL, Brady, and football in general, suppressing nothing and going on frequent tangents. “What they did was suspend Tom Brady for four days for not giving them his fucking cell phone and for having a friend who called himself ‘the deflator.’ If I got in trouble for all the things that my friends called themselves, I would be finished, OK? You wanna give a guy—because he doesn’t give you his cell phone—a punishment? I would never give an organization as leak-prone as the NFL my fucking cell phone, so you can just look through my emails? And listen to my voicemails? The first thing they’re going to do is leak this shit.”
He went on to speculate, unprompted, what might have been on that cell phone: “I don’t know. Maybe it’s funny, lovely sex messages from his wife [Gisele Bündchen].” LOL! “Funny, lovely sex messages”?! “Maybe it’s just friendly messages from his wife,” the actor said. “Maybe Tom Brady is so fucking classy and such a fucking gentleman that he doesn’t want people to know that he may have reflected on his real opinion of some of his coworkers: guys he plays with, guys he plays against, his real feelings.”
Gathering steam, he continued, “I wouldn’t want guys who I didn’t think were very good to know I didn’t think they were very good. I wouldn’t want guys who I thought were great to know I thought they were great. I’d want to keep my opinions to myself. Surely his opinions about professional football are contained in his emails and his texts in his fucking telephone.” And on. And on. And on. Ben—seriously—are you OK?