So, summer officially kicked off today, and let’s just cut to the chase, shall we? I hate the sun. Hate! (Hate, hate, hate. Hate hate, hate. Double-hate. Loooooathe entirely, like the Grinch hates Christmas.) I have nothing favorable to say about that ginormous ball of flames and its incinerating tentacles of doom that are responsible for sun spots, premature aging, melanoma, and other not-good things, like various levels of general misery. But as an inhabitant of the planet earth, I, unfortunately, have to coexist with it as I do with my upstairs neighbor who only practices her step routines after midnight. Yeah, not ideal.
To complicate matters, I’m Sicilian and as a result tan within, like, five seconds or less. But you wouldn’t know it by looking at me, because I’ve gotten so astute at outfoxing the sun that I can do really magical things like blend in with a white wall. But it’s not magic–it’s just sun-avoidant prowess, and in the words of the great philosopher Elle Woods: “I’m like a PSA for SPF.”
Scroll through for the contents of my Sun Avoider Starter Pack and get ready to play a three-month long game of hide and seek. Hint: it won’t find you. And yes, I’ve tried them all (except for the last one, which I’ve by no means ruled out).
For when you have to go to the beach or pool but don't want to expose your delicate décolletage.
Donald Long-Sleeved Maillot, $285; at Coverswim
Hot tip: Keep it in the fridge for an extra refreshing spritz.
Soothing Face Mist, $18; at Glossier
Look, I get it. You think bonnets are only for babies and the Amish. But you're wrong.
White Bonnet, $15; at Target
A trusty rule of thumb when it comes to eyewear: If one lens is smaller than your face, you're cheating.
Gucci GG0148 Sunglasses, $965; at Barneys
Very High SPF
While the jury's out on whether or not SPF 110 is any better than, say, SPF 45, I figure I have nothing to lose except maybe a few sun spots that haven't appeared yet.
Age Shield Face Lotion Sunscreen Broad Spectrum SPF 110, $12.99; at Neutrogena
If my personal cabana boy isn't available to fan me down, this'll have to do. Bonus points if we can get it to also play The Eagles' "Hotel California" on repeat.
Breezie Battery-Operated Portable Bladeless and Soundless Misting Fan with Water Reservoir and Trigger, $12.99; at Brookstone
Tie it around your hair for added protection, or just hide beneath the whole damn thing.
The Savana Dance Silk Shawl, $1,100; at Hermés
Not only will this here handy dandy umbrella hat keep the rays off your face and your hair color fresh, but it will also shield you from the splashes of unruly children, and Shamu.
Rainbow Umbrella Hat, $4.99; at Amazon
Perhaps it's not something you've thought of before, but it would behoove you to wear gloves in the sun because hands are one of the biggest giveaways of premature aging.
Outdoor Research Chroma Full Sun Gloves, $35; at Rei
Yes, you'll look like an a-hole carrying this, but only to people who don't understand.
Pink Parasol Umbrella, $6.25; at Paper Lantern Store
Paper Lantern Store
If it works for the Sanderson Sisters, it works for me. Take that, sun.
The Big Book of Practical Spells: Everyday Magic That Works, $13.19; at Barnes & Noble
Barnes & Noble
When all else fails and you still can't get out of dodge, it may be time to consider the hazmat.
DuPont Tyvek 400 Disposable Hazmat Coverall Suit, $6.20; at PK Safety