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Trends are fun to follow, and a vast majority of them are even more fun to look back on. You see, trends are trends for a reason—their nature usually isn’t to stand the test of time, but rather to just inspire a whole mass of people to wear bedazzled Ed Hardy for a couple years, or whatever, until the next trend comes along. And when it comes to beauty trends—man, there is a lot of room to do/wear things that look (in hindsight) straight-up ridiculous. So, of course, I’m bringing to you today what bad beauty trend you are, based on your zodiac sign. Naturally.
Some things do get better with age—a good pair of sweatpants, Beyoncé, a fine wine, sour candy, a cast-iron skillet, and the soundtrack to “Boogie Nights”. But then there are the unmentionables. The things we do to our bodies that make them look and feel different and maybe are bad for it! Tanning with Crisco comes to mind. But what fun is there if we don’t take ~fashion and beauty risks~? Who wants to die without a tagged album full of pictures of you that make your whole body and soul shudder in embarrassment? Not I! I want to live!
Now with that being said, thanks to the advent of the internet, trends are coming (and going!) more quickly than ever before—and trying to keep up can be exhausting.
Generally, there’s been a lot more interest in skincare and a more “natural look” than in recent years. To which I say, yay! Low maintenance beauty trends are my jam, and I think the closer we look like our true selves (rather than like what the antiquated idea of a “Hot Person” is,) the closer we get to nirvana or whatever you believe in.
I’m not ready to let go of leopard yet, though. Leopard print is forever.
DISCLAIMER: Really, if any of the below are your jam, please continue to do them. I’m just another person shouting on the internet about my opinions. If you swear by your 22-step skincare routine—go off. Live your life.
Each Sign As a Regrettable Makeup and Hair Trend:
Aries – Clip-In Bangs
Getting bangs is something that you have to commit to—so miss me with this bullshit clip-in nonsense. Aries is the perfect sign to pair with clip-in bangs because they can be impatient. They want the illusion of bangs without the heartbreak of dealing with the grow-out. You learn in life pretty quickly if bangs work for you—don’t question the truth once you know it. Bang-ability doesn’t change.
Taurus – Over-Plucked Eyebrows
Yes, Evelyn O’Connell in the 1999 hit “The Mummy” could totally pull off a razor-thin brow—but the rest of us are not Evelyn O’Connell, okay? We are currently in the era of the natural brow, and truly, I hope it lasts forever. Over-plucked brows are not only high maintenance, they’re also a trend that had long-term effects. At least eyebrow serum works. Also, I hate plucking my eyebrows, so the ending of this trend feels like a pivotal win for me.
Gemini – Full-Coverage/Heavy Foundation
While high-coverage foundation can be adaptable and is the makeup of choice for people with discoloration, acne, or a host of other skin conditions—it also just makes everything a little bit worse in the long run. More and more, people are reaching for lighter CC creams, tinted moisturizers, or concealer and focusing more on the root of the skin issue, rather than just covering up the whole shebang.
Cancer – Matte Lipstick
Listen, if you can figure this out without having dry, scaly lizard lips within the half-hour, then I applaud you. On most of us mere mortals, however, matte lipstick is like applying the Sahara Desert directly onto your face. At a certain point, you have to ask yourself, “Is this color worth having the texture of cracked heels on my mouth-hole?” And I have the answer for YOU: No. The answer is no.
Leo – XXXtreme Contouring
Personally, I can’t contour or highlight to save my life, but that facial mapping stuff was a ridiculous trend. And the whole point was using colors that weren’t your skin color that you would then blend in to become your skin color? Or some weird, hyper-fancy version of what you wished your bone structure looked like? I don’t know. Seeing people move away from completely redesigning their face feels healthier and more sustainable.
Virgo – 15-Step Skincare Routines
As if we didn’t have enough going on with face/hair/body/fitness/mental health/being a social creature/obligations/watching good TV—in the past few years, we’ve added vigilant skin care as a new thing to obsess over. On the one hand, taking care of our skin and face is an amazing idea! On the other, watching people put 10 different products (each costing approximately $30-$100, of course) each evening makes me want to blow up the galaxy. Find a few good products and an effective routine, and let’s all go to sleep at a reasonable hour instead.
Libra – White Under Eye Concealer
I understand the power of a nice, smooth under eye. I truly do. But overcompensating by streaking on a bright, nearly-white under eye concealer and then packing on powder over top does not make anyone look awake. In fact, super bright under eyes make people look like they didn’t dry their hands after washing them and then slapped their face with baking flour. I’m happy to see this trend fading away as people gravitate towards more natural-looking alternatives for brightening the face. But I’ll never forget it.
Scorpio – Cut-Crease Eyeshadow
Putting concealer on your eyelids?? Always seemed pretty suspect to me. Eyeshadow has always alluded me. Blending makes me want to die, but cut-crease shadow is even worse because you have to use weird makeup science and depth perception in order to get that perfect shading. What a nightmare! This life is so, so temporary. I’m glad we’re all back to smearing shit on our faces with our ring fingers like total plebes.
Sagittarius – Over-Lined lips
Big lips are beautiful, and I am forever envious of any plump pout, for real. But over-drawing your lips looks to be on its way out, and thank goodness. First of all, the level of precision required to have a real-looking lip shape and not a big amorphous blob of pink is a tall order. Then you gotta … fill it all in with lip color. That’s another step. And also, what happens if it smears or you want to eat a bagel? Do you have to look at a mirror and do the whole thing over again? That’s simply too much.
Capricorn – Instagram-Perfect Eyebrows
AHHHHHHHH. This one was never going to last because it was bananas to begin with. Eyebrows are sisters, not twins, and this trend of trying to look like real-life photoshop just felt like an excellent way for everyone to feel inferior about looking human. Instagram-Perfect eyebrows also seem a lot harsher in person, and there are way less angry-looking people in Trader Joe’s these days, for which I am thankful.
Aquarius – Novelty Face Masks
You know that face mask that bubbles up all crazy? Or the super-painful ones you have to rip off while simultaneously yelling? Or gimmicky ones that include a rare kiwi extract only found on Easter Island every fifth harvest, etc.? Yeah, I’m pretty sure those are out. First of all, our skin only absorbs certain chemicals, and only to a certain extent. So most of these masks do absolutely nothing! And I’ve yet to find a study that supports that face masks do anything good long-term, so bye-bye, face masks!
Pisces – Lollipop/Blurry lips
Oh, yuck. I don’t think this trend ever got that big in the first place. It sort of just looks like a sloppy-drunk makeup application. I never got the sexual appeal of this trend, but I guess anything looks good on #sadgirl models. Anyways, exfoliation is important, and stained lips look weird and childish, IMHO. Just, like, wipe your face, you know?
But I can barely put on tinted lip balm, so who am I to say? (A Gemini with an OPINION, that’s who.) So, whether you follow trends or not, here’s to another 100 years of trying new things and celebrating our fun ‘n’ cute bodies while they’re still around and kickin’.