Dear What Men Want: I’m a 24-year-old writer living the single life in Minneapolis. The other night I met a great-looking, successful man. Liquid courage and an empowering breakup made me more aggressive than usual and I ended the night at his apartment downtown. We slept together (twice), and after the vodka haze cleared I realized we share more than a willingness to hook up after thirty minutes of heavy flirting. The next day we chatted as he drove me home, and he gave me his number but didn’t ask for mine. Instead of calling like a big girl I found him on Facebook (cheap and easy route, I know). We’ve messaged one another but he’s fairly straightforward and hasn’t asked to see me again. I’m not really clingy and am hardly desperate, but I really like the guy. I’m not sure how to reach out and am concerned I ruined everything by giving it up the first night. Where do I go from here? Do most guys lose interest if they get the goods right away?
Wanting More in Minneapolis
Dear Wanting More: Ah, the rare “wanting more from a one night stand” scenario. It’s not often that the morning after isn’t an awkward mix of morning/alcohol breath, racing to the bathroom, searching for clothes, and the inevitable “So…how are you getting home?” game.
While an evening of carnal gymnastics with someone you’ve just met is not the typical route to a relationship, the fact that you want more is not necessarily a bad thing. If you have great chemistry in the sack with someone, the other stuff might come easily. But there are tons of hurdles if you want to be more than just the girl he calls when he wants to take a dive in the dark.
If you want to reach out for more than just another flop in the hay, there is a way to do so, but you have to navigate carefully.
Since he hasn’t contacted you to get together again, try asking if he wants to meet up for something relaxed (think group of friends), or if he wants to grab lunch or a drink on a weekend afternoon. That way you won’t come across as the clingy, wanting-to-get-serious-now girl. Instead, you’ll seem like someone who enjoyed his company and would like to pursue some kind of friendship – at least for the time being.
If he comes up with an excuse and doesn’t offer an alternative time then you can pretty much shut down any thoughts of getting together. If he does offer an alternate plan– “Hey, I can’t this weekend, but what about next week?”– make sure he isn’t just looking to take you back to his place for another flesh session.
The real key to this situation is that you can’t let him go to town on the second date. If you are weak and fall prey to his charms, you risk becoming the girl he calls only when he wants to light the lamp. So if you do hang out again, definitely don’t go beyond making out. If you’re as attracted to this guy as it seems, and you let things get physical at all, you risk going beyond the point of no return and before you know it you’ll be waking up the next morning wondering how your bra ended up across the room.
If things start to get heated again, stop and just tell him that you really like him, but you’re not usually the type to visit the Netherlands on the first meeting and you want to see how things go.
If he acts upset that he isn’t getting another chance to check out your cash and prizes, then he was probably just looking for sex anyway. You will know right away.
As for your last question, I wouldn’t say that guys lose interest if they get to mingle limbs on the first night. If the experience is a disaster then yeah, we won’t be interested. But if everything goes well, why would we reject someone with whom we had great sex?
Ryan Phillips is a 28-year-old freelance journalist. He is the founder of Rumors and Rants, one of the top sports blogs on the internet. He and four friends write much longer, more incoherent posts there.
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