In case you haven’t heard, today marks the 25th anniversary of the Internet! Instead of launching into a whole thing about how it changed our lives and the world, and how we simply can’t imagine life with it (or, in our case, our jobs without it), we decided to create a succinct list. Here are 13 annoying things you’d have to do if the internet didn’t exist.
1. You’d have to research stuff in a weird building.
Before Google, people actually had to find things out in a building called the library. That’s a place where books exist and old newspapers live, and you need a card to enter.
3. You’d have to buy an actual bird, attach a 140-character note to its wing, and send it on its way.
So much effort!
4. You’d have to pace up and down the street until someone noticed your new Céline bag.
5. You’d have to call a restaurant if you wanted food brought to your house.
You’d also have to brush up on old-timey parlance like “Hello, I’d like to place an order for delivery.” What does that even mean?
6. You’d have to plan your dream wedding in your own brain.
Or at least with the help of labeled folders, binders, and a whole bunch of checklists.
7. You’d have to lurk around the seedy part of town.
That’s where all the porn shops and X-rated videos stores are, duh.
8. You’d have to stalk your ex the good old-fashioned way.
By following him, by calling and hanging up, or by buying wig a from the Raquel Welch wig line.
9. You’d have to hang out at Sam Goody if you ever wanted to own music.
10. You’d have to be all “wait, who’s Kim Kardashian again?”
Remember: Her real origins lie online, not on TV.
11. You’d have to think like this if you wanted a fast date:
SWF seeking BHM w/o issues, P NS. SOH a must.
12. You’d have to take time off work to scour the country’s garage sales.
If you ever wanted to own that weird toy from when you were 5 years old.
13. You’d have to hold a lot of town hall meetings.
To tell everyone you know how much you hate Obama, how much you hate the Republicans, your views on gay people, why that article is really worth reading, how cute your baby is, how fun your vacation was, how pretty a plate of cookies can look, how sucky the season finale was, how much you love avocados on toast, how blessed you’re feeling on your birthday, and how you literally can’t believe it’s only Tuesday.