Currently I am sitting at home watching the MTV Video Music Awards and starving because Go Sushi closed. I am hungry and fussy so combine that with my innate sarcasm… Here is my live blog following the happenings of the VMAs:
8:05PM: Lady Gaga arrives in Jean Paul Gaultier, a specially made hat and neckbrace and with Kermit the Frog. Apparently she has something absolutely wild planned for her performance. I remain both skeptical and apathetic.
8:16PM: Pink arrives in a fire truck and wearing the EXACT same dress as Shakira. Oh noes!!!
8:22PM: MTV is now following every VMA tweet. This is going to get old very fast. It’s like when the Weather Channel tries to be interesting and melodramatic.
8:25PM: Original moonman, Buzz Aldrin announces the award for break Through Video as Matt and Kim, “Lessons Learned.” In the video, Matt and Kim strip down in the middle of Times Square.
8:30PM: Taylor Swift arrives in a Cinderella inspired horse drawn carriage.
8:38PM: Paul, “You don’t think Chase Crawford is attractive?” Jane, “No. He’s pretty… If you like girls.”
8:42PM: Cobra Starship arrives in a New York Sight Seeing Tour Bus and the Fame music video premiers. The video is a montage of iconic New York happenings and movie clips.
8:52PM: Dear Twitter, I’m closing my account. That’s enough. That’s enough.
8:56PM: Jennifer Lopez arrives and looks like a mix of Barbarella and Princess Lea.
8:57PM: Best Video That Should Have Won an Award goes to Beastie Boys, “Sabotage.” Category That Doesn’t Make a Lick of Sense award goes to this one.
9:00PM: Michael Jackson Tribute performance by Janet Jackson begins now. Madonna‘s introductory speech is a heavy buzz kill and a little too intimate. However in a longwinded and convuluted way, Madonna finally makes sense and raises a valid point, “We abandoned [Michael Jackson].”
9:07PM: Thriller tribute begins and I am disappointed Justin Timberlake is not one of the dancers. I actually thought that first one was… Timberlake or JC Chasez.
9:12PM: Janet Jackson shatters through a mirror and begins singing and dancing along to the Scream music video.
9:13PM: Katy Perry begins singing, “We Will Rock You” with Joe Perry on guitar. See what they did there? Russell Brand enters in a daper top hat.
9:18PM: “The Jonas Brothers have forgiven me [for last year’s comments]; they have to. They’re Christians.” –Russell Brand.
9:23PM: Shakira and Taylor Lautner announce the winner for Best Female Video as Taylor Swift for her video, “You Belong with Me.” Kanye interrupts Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech to seemingly poke fun at himself for heckling people during past award ceremonies. But then again Taylor looks kind of upset… I guess Kanye really did cut off her acceptance speech to declare Beyonce’s video better. Kanye, it’s like the first award of the night; Beyonce has nine nominations… PS: Where did he come from!?!? Who is letting Kanye on stage?
9:34PM: Jack Black and Leighton Meester announce the award for Best Rock Video which goes to Green Day’s, “21 Guns.” Jack subtly promotes his new video game, “Brutal Legend.” I forgot that the VMA’s are a platform to promote any upcoming movies or albums. Tweet that.
9:43PM: Taylor Swift‘s performance begins and she’s singing in the 42nd Street F,V subway stop. She hops into a car at the chorus and dance party! That is the fastest I have every seen the F come to a stop.
9:44PM: Gah Taylor Swift promotes using the emergency exit and not the turnstile. Mass hysteria erupts on the streets.
9:48PM: Lady Gaga performs. It kind of looks like one of those back up dancers has lace panties on his face. It’s kind of distracting. Lady Gaga is very good at lip synching.
9:52PM: OHMIGOD LADY GAGA!!! WHAT THE EFFF?!?!!? SHE STARTS BLEEING AFTER PLAYING THE PIANO AND THEN “HANGS” HERSELF. I know that it’s fake but like… It was disturbing.
10:03PM: Nelly Furtado and Kristen Cavallari announce the winner for Best Pop Video: Britney Spears for Womanizer. Nelly Furtado stop speaking spanish. Damnit Britney! Why aren’t you at the VMAs?!?!
10:05PM: Adam Brody and Megan Fox introduce a live performance by Green Day. Adam Brody, where in God’s name have you been? Green Day then invites people on stage and um… Charlotte from Dallas in the silver dress just flashed me.
10:16PM: Taylor Lautner, Kristin Stewart and Rob Patterson introduce the New Moon exclusive premiere. Could anyone keep a count of how many topless shots there were for their trailer?
10:20PM: Ne-yo and Chase Crawford introduce Beyonce‘s live performance. Neo got a little over zealous in that introduction… Aaand Beyonce just beat Lady Gaga in the category, “Highest French Cut Leotard.” I’m expecting rioting in the West Village with this television performance of Single Ladies.
10:22PM: Ohmigod Beyonce’s crotch.
10:32PM: Jamie Lynn Siegler and P.Diddy announce the winner for Best Male Video as T.I.’s video, “Live Your Life” and P.Diddy gets booed for saying, “Kanye.” I’m very grateful Kanye didn’t win if only because I can’t keep up with the comments of this live blog.
10:37PM: Muse performs. I’m surprised Muse was selected perform at the VMA. I have a huge girl crush on Alexa Chung. Ohmigod the drummer of Muse has a zebra print drum throne.
10:42PM: Tracy Morgan sings with Cyndi Lauper. Eminem cries. I think I’m in love.
10:43PM: At Meg Cuna‘s comment, “I heard Kid Cudi is looing for a stylist… Janice? You in?” yes. Kid Cudi, call me.
10:47PM: That guy from All American Rejects performs with the house band partially covered in glitter. 1. Put on some underpants. 2. As Dimitri Martin says, “Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.”
10:48PM: Jennifer Lopez announces the winner for Best Hip Hop Video: Eninem’s We Made You.
10:57PM: Does Russell Brand know he has a microphone? Or does Russell Brand just always talk at a shouting level? Indoor voices.
10:58PM: Eminem and Tracy Morgan announce the winner for Best New Artist is Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga makes Eminem feel awkward and alienated as she’s currently wearing a red lace face mask and crown. (I think Ok Go wore that two years go.) Lady Gaga dedicates her award to, “God and the gays.” Was Perez just fist pumping?
11:01PM: Serena Williams introduces Pink‘s performance. Pink and her heart pastie are hoisted above the stage and then trapezes about. Everyone just gasped.
11:12PM: Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samburg announce the winner for Video of the Year: BEYONCE SINGLE LADIES!! Everyone boos during Kanye West’s clip and Lady Gaga somehow had another costume change.
11:14PM: Beyonce invites Taylor Swift out to, “have her moment.” Did Taylor Swift just thank Twitter in her acceptance speech?
11:19PM: Jay-Z rolls in with thirteen SUVs. We should car pool.
11:23PM: Jay-Z performs with Alicia Keys. What happend to his voice? I love how Pink has to hoist herself above the entire stage, brush death and trapeze with her boob hanging out to excite a crowd as much as Jay-Z can singing in front of black and white New York photographs.
11:28PM: Exclusive look at Michael Jackson‘s posthumous documentary, “This Is It.“
11:30PM: The VMA’s are over. I want a sweet treat. Cookie?
11:32PM: Wait. Seriously… MTV has ALREADY STARTED A VMA RE-CAP!?!?