A while back, I was giving a friend of mine (who, for obvious reasons, shall remain nameless) the usual interrogation that every close girlfriend gets when she starts a new relationship. “I want to know every detail about him,” I demanded. To which she responded, “I mean, there’s not much to say. He’s nice.” I knew right there and then that I was dealing with a classic case of settling.
It only got worse a couple months later when I heard that he’d already dropped the “L bomb.” Her response when I asked her if she loved him was, “Well, I could.” and you’d think that would’ve been enough to stop her from saying it back… it wasn’t. I don’t know how it happens, but it seems like we constantly find ourselves stuck for lack of better words in these relationships with people who are just “good enough.”
What happened to passion, excitement and soul mates? Call me crazy, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask to be in love with the person your in a serious relationship with. I’m all for having fun and casual dating, but when it comes down to it, there needs to at least be an initial spark right off the bat. If not, then move on and start looking for the guy that makes you smile bigger than anyone else can. Here are my 5 hunches as to why women settle:
1. You think you can change him
There are a couple different forms of settling you can settle for the nice guy with no spark, or you can settle for the asshole who doesn’t treat you right. When you’re dealing with the latter, there’s usually a false belief that he’ll eventually change. You rationalize that if you invest enough time and energy in him, then he’ll become the man you need him to be. I don’t need to tell any of you that this type of rationale is wrong. The more likely scenario is you go through years of stress, only to get to an outcome that was innevitable from the beginning: a breakup.
2. You think you can change yourself
This applies to the first type of settling the guy who’s “nice,” but the relationship lacks passion. You think you can change yourself to become his type of girl. You think that if you change some of your interests to be closer in line with his, then the two of you could be a perfect fit. The fact of the matter is that if two people are right for each other, then no one needs to change. Think about it, there are lots of people who have nothing in common but are still madly in love.
3. You’re sick of being single
I get it no one wants to be the only single girl in her group of friends. While everyone else shows up to events with their significant other in hand, you’re constantly riding solo… and you’re sick of it. So you figure it’s better to have some sort of companion there with you, even if you don’t really care about him. Someone is better than no one right? Wrong! What’s the point of being with someone you have no fun with? I don’t know about you, but I find myself more entertaining than some lame guy.
4. We love the drama
I’ll admit it crazy people intrigue me. Half my friends are lunatics, and whenever I meet anyone who’s off their rocker, I immediately want to talk to them for hours. I don’t know why this is, but it’s probably the same reason women tend to go for the crazy guys. We love the drama. Even if you know the relationship isn’t right, you stay because the alternative seems so “boring.” But when you really think about it, maybe we’re the crazy ones for staying in toxic relationships…
5. Fear that we won’t find someone better suited for us
It’s a classic case of, “if I leave him, then he’ll find someone else and I’ll end up alone.” Your fear that this is as good as it gets will continue to throw you into one bad relationship after the other. You need to shake that anxiety and believe that there’s a “perfect” match out there for you. You may not find him tomorrow, but we don’t live in a fair world. So grow some patience and have a little optimism… he’s out there!