I’m pretty sure thatKim Zolciak and her NFL player fiance/baby daddy Kroy Biermann didn’t just get engaged as her Twitter suggests. In fact, I’ve even heard some dirty details about her upcoming nuptials. (Come to think of it, that’s a little embarrassing for me to admit, so I’m going to stop now. Just know that I’m all-powerful and incredibly connected.)
Anyway…TMZ posted the invitation to the blessed event, which is on 11/11/11, and bans guests from bringing cell phones, cameras and recording devices. Considering this is like, the second coming of the royal wedding (sorry Kim and Kris), I understand why they want their privacy. Or maybe Bravo and some tabloid have exclusive event coverage? In any case, you know Andy Cohen will be there, quietly sobbing in the corner when he misses out on catching the bridal bouquet.
Due to the short notice guests have received, I’ve done Kim a favor and composed a registry for her. Unlike Miss Kardashian, I doubt the Divine Miss Z registered for Herms china atGearys Bevery Hills:
- The Presto 5420 FryDaddy Deep Fryer is the perfect addition to any newlywed’s kitchen. Now there will be no muss and fuss when Kim is craving a post-coital deep-fried Twinkie.
- This diamond ashtray will glisten as Kim ashes her beloved Newports into the summer breeze. Maybe now that she’s betrothed, she will become a true southern belle and switch to Virginia Slims.
- This unique wine opener serves a fantastic purpose. Not only will it open your standard corked wine, it opens your cheap, twist-off Pinot. The website states, “With the introduction of the screw top in the wine market ten years ago, the overwhelming drawback to this enclosure has been the lack of romance in its presentation.” Finally, the romance is back in screw-top wine.
- Okay…the world’s FIRST wig purifier. Do I even need to explain this one? The website kindly informs us that “Pollution, smoke, and bacteria can wreak havoc on wigs,” and frankly, I’m pretty sure the plethora of wigs hanging in Kim’s walk-in closet could use more than just a little purifying.
- I’ll throw Kim a bone here. After all, she is the woman who once said, “If I die, I’m dying in Dior.” The lady knows luxury, so someone pick her up this pre-owned Rolex President watch with a diamond bezel. This way, she’ll never be tardy for the party again.
Got it? Good.