Dear What Men Want:
I literally just ended things with someone after six months of dating, and I was hoping to get your perspective to help me get some closure. Basically, I hadn’t liked anyone in a very long time–as in years. I met this guy and it was instant attraction and compatibility. When we were together, it was wonderful. The problem was that he was in a stage where it was all about him. We would only see each other on his schedule and often last minute. I didn’t mind that much because he was working two jobs and going to school, but I was never a priority, and when everything came before me, I basically said that if it was important he would have made an effort to see me so I ended things.
I know it takes time to heal, but I’m torn between knowing I made the right decision and questioning my decision. He would say things all the time about missing me, liking me a lot, maybe even loving me etc. Ultimately, actions speak louder than words, but what I want to know is why? Why would he say things like this, but not even try to see me regularly? Some of his friends have called him a player, but I don’t think that was the case. For example, he would ask me to answer his phone when it rang if I was closer to it. I’m pretty sure a guy playing a lot of girls wouldn’t do that. I’m working on getting over him and I will, but that nagging little voice needs an answer.
Desperately Seeking Closure
Dear Desperately Seeking Closure:
Let me first tell you emphatically: you made the right decision.
While I feel bad telling you this, you hit the nail on the head early in your explanation. You weren’t a priority for his time and everything came before you, therefore he just wasn’t that into you.
You absolutely made the right decision. While this guy might have been very busy and focused on work, school, and the rest of his life, if you had been a priority he would have made concessions. When we want a relationship with someone, guys will go to extraordinary lengths to make it happen. He clearly had other things he wanted to focus on.
From your description I don’t think he was seeing other women or playing the field while he was with you. I just think he had what he wanted from you but didn’t want things to get too serious. He wanted a relationship when it was convenient for him. Actions do speak louder than words and–though I really shouldn’t be telling you this because it comes dangerously close to breaking “guy code”–some of us know just what to say to keep you interested and coming back for more.
This situation was never going to go beyond what it was because only one party was truly invested. That’s not to say he didn’t care for or have feelings for you, but after six months had he really been looking long-term he would have made some changes for you.
Oftentimes the person we think is perfect for us doesn’t feel the same way back. It happens and it sucks, but we can’t dwell on it because we might miss out on the next opportunity to meet someone great.
Yes, it should take you a bit of time to get over the disappointment of things not working out perfectly, but sometimes life deals you a pair of twos when you wanted a flush. How you bounce back from it determines what kind of person you are deep down.
Guys want the women who are strong enough to move on to the next hand.
Ryan Phillips is a 29-year-old freelance journalist. He is the founder of Rumors and Rants, one of the top sports blogs on the internet. He and four friends write much longer, more incoherent posts there.
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