Near Nip Slips, Botox & More: Highs & Lows From The Oscars

Spencer Cain

Last night was the Oscars. You might not have known this if you live in a bunker and do not own a computer, cell phone or television. (Actually, you probably still would have known about it anyway. It’s only sort of a big deal.) But as we learned last evening, just because something is a big deal, doesn’t mean it’s funny. That said, take a look at my list of highs and lows of tonight’s highly anticipated ceremony below!

Highs

  • Chris Rock‘s speech when he presented Best Animated Film was positively genius. He gave credit to all of those in other industries that require serious manpower, and well, ACTUAL work. And most importantly, he made me laugh. Also, I loved his little ‘fro. Remind me why he didn’t host?
  • Even though the Bridesmaids cast did not walk away with statuettes, they got to present — which was amazing. They brought back their Scorsese gag from the Golden Globes, thus they were chugging from mini bottles of vodka onstage. I couldn’t be in love with a cast more.
  • The tribute to those we have lost in the past year was incredibly touching. I teared up, and I have no heart. Well done, people. Well done.Esperanza Spalding did a killer job, although I had completely forgotten who she was since she beat out Justin Bieber for the Best New Artist Grammy and received death threats for weeks.
  • Christopher Plummer snagged an award for his work in Beginners, making him the OLDEST OSCAR WINNER EVER. And he was gracious and adorable. A true class act.
  • Emma Stone was hilarious. I think that’s all I really need to say about that one. We can definitely expect a lot of good things from this one in the future.

Lows

  • Frankly, Billy Crystal is washed up…and I really don’t want him to host again. But whatever, I won’t comment on that. Instead, I will comment on his outrageous Botox. OUTRAGEOUS. His forehead channels Joan Rivers.
  • Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz‘s bizarre presenters speech was capped off with an almost nip slip. The Twitterverse went absolutely f*cking crazy, even though her nipple was really not exposed. BTW, there’s already a Twitter account for said nipple. (If your nipple is getting its own Twitter, I want to see the whole damn thing.)
  • The carnival trapeze crap was really weird. Am I the only one who thought so?
  • Brad Pitt‘s facial hair was really upsetting. Really, really upsetting. I don’t get it anymore. It isn’t for a movie. This is just him. Ugh.
  • Honestly, it just wasn’t that good of a show. We needed a better host, and I’m thinking the Oscars really needs to change up the game next year. More musical performances, perhaps? Or maybe, they should just serve booze instead of the stupid popcorn bit that pretty much summed up the whole night: CORNY.

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