We’ve all felt that rise in panic when you see your friend’s name flash for an incoming call on your cell phone during office hours. She knows better than to call you now. Your mind races through horrible scenarios of robbery, car accidents, and personal injuries, before you pick up and all you hear is snot riddled sobs of, “I’m going to be ALONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY!” Cue the pained eye roll and brace yourself for a night of, “What’s wrong with me?! Is it because I’m fat?! Am I FAT!?! Should I call Josh?!?!” Here’s a guide on how to cope with your self-pitying friend this Valentine’s Day.
1. DON’T call your night out something childish like, “The Screw Men! Ladies Night.” It is perfectly acceptable to be out with your gal pals on Valentine’s Day instead of with a boyfriend or husband. It’s when you draw attention to the fact that one or all of you are flying solo that it just becomes weird and starts flinging out signs that you’re bitter about being alone. Why not just call it a Friday night?
2. DO mail her a sweet card. Don’t send her flowers, as that will bring a false sense of hope as she excitedly opens the mysterious card that is just cruel. A Valentine’s day card reminding her of times when she was your emotional crutch will ease her into the reality check that relationships can come and go but your friendship will withstand time.
3. DON’T invite her to third wheel on your Valentine’s date. Even if you and your boyfriend are doing something low key like going to your favorite local bar, you don’t want her to feel as if she’s being invited out of pity. Moreover, just because she’s looking for plans doesn’t mean you are immediately obligated to compromise your plans.
4. DO be sympathetic to her need to complain.
5. But DON’T allow her to whine and mope all night. Just put the kibosh on that about ten minutes in. The drunker she gets, the more crazy she’ll get, and the crazier she gets, the more sane she’ll think she is Before you know it, she’s salting your margarita with her tears. Talk about pop culture, upcoming weekend plans,
6. DO remember this self-pitying phase is only being ignited by Valentine’s Day, and the heightened expectations it brings on couples and singletons alike. Just bunker down until February 15th. This soon shall pass…