I was raised in a house full of women. A warm home made up of the loudest, most passionate, chicks before dicks latinas you could ever hope to meet. And the wisest, sweetness father any girl could ask for. (My poor deaf dad).
I was taught to celebrate, support and propel other women. Never to view each other as more of a threat than men (actually more the opposite). This is probably why I was horrified after reading Kate Carraway’s article “GIRL NEWS: WHY GIRLS HATE EACHOTHER” in Viceland over the weekend.
While we’ve all suffered our fair share of hateration, I absolutely refuse to believe that women are so insecure and horny that they only percieve each other as “dick competition.” This pathetic pandering to misogynistic stereotypes only perpetuates falsehoods.
The key is compatibility. Friendships are just like a bf/gf relationship. Some people are sympatico from the jump and others have difficulty relating. This does not mean we’re not going to be best friends because I want your hair and just cannot control my petty envy.
Let’s break down Ms. Carraway’s rantings. And I don’t write this to hate on Kate-but she started it.
GIRLS WANT TO BE THE ONLY GIRL WHO GETS THE GUY
Kate explains: Women compete in this sneaky-deaky way, neg-ing their girls out of going for a potential lay, and most of all just being jerks about other women all the time to anyone who will listen.
Obviously, Kate is well aware of the fact that this article is for a men’s magazine. And it would be most fantasy-inducing for men to hear that we ladies are ready to claw each other’s eyes out over a man but sorry to say this just isn’t true. After a certain age you understand your sexual attractiveness has nothing to do with how much more or less attractive your friends are.
GIRLS WANT EACH OTHER’S BODIES, FACES, CLOTHES, LIVES
It’s less true that girls are jealous of other girls than they are repulsed by themselves. The tall, thin girls want big tits; the milky-creamy thick ones want to go bra-less; the volleyball captains try so hard in their stilettos that it’s kind of hilarious.
Wow. So if I see a woman in the Louboutins I’ve been lusting over I will automatically have to demonize her in order to process the self hatred I will feel at not being able to buy these shoes?
GIRLS CAN’T JUST HANG OUT
Here’s what you do with guys: aggressively consume, comment on and catalogue movies and music and shows and books. Here’s what you do with girls: talk and shop. But there’s no reason to really try to make them laugh or be impressed by how much you know about hardcore bands.
Hum, I’m confused. Aren’t those virtually the same thing, I mean sans the shopping? They both involve talking? But of course we only shop with other women because we’re too shallow to conceive of doing anything else together.
And since you don’t want to bang your girlfriend you don’t have to try to have a real or passionate conversation?! Got it.
But if you’re trying to impress your boy doesn’t that mean you’re attracted to him? So it’s not a true friendship, right?
GIRLS LOVE OTHER GIRLS SO MUCH THEY HATE THEM
I have these other girls who are also living embodiments of my friendship wet-dreams. But what am I going to do with that? I can’t ____ them, I can’t be them and I know from experience that girl love will turn into ash quicker and meaner than any boyfriend’s. It’s too much.
I’m not certain Kate Carraway isn’t a teenage boy?! The insecurity…the hormones! Yikes! If you exclusively determine a person’s value by whether or not you can sleep with them or turn into them you’re in big trouble and have no business saying you are ANYONE’S “friend.”
GIRLS JUDGE EACH OTHER, HARD.
Women really do have a lot of choices, but also a lot of institutional low self-esteem, and therefore an inability to manage those choices, which an old medicine man (Douglas Coupland) called “option paralysis.”
So you’ve never heard of a director named Woody Allen, I presume? Yeah, I think men suffer from this inability to make a decision a bit more than women, my friend. Wait! She agrees saying:
This is also true for guys, but shut up, because guys do not spend time actively judging each other’s choices.
That’s funny because I just dated a guy who endured an intervention held by ten of his ex ivy league classmates who wanted to judge, I mean “help” him get married, to his first million and back to shooting a 32 on a par 35.
GIRLS ARE WORSE AT COMMUNICATING THAN MY SUBURBAN WASP PARENTS
Girls do not communicate well even though we are constantly circulating each other with our mouths open. I know it sounds like we’re all “AND THEN AND HE SAID AND THEN I AND THEN SHE SAID AND THIS CUNT FROM MY CLASS WAS LIKE AND THEN SHE” but that is actually just our girl-patois, a total cover for the fact that we are scared shitless to say anything real.
Well, we finally agree Kate. Women do have more of an issue being direct, espeically in professional arenas. But I believe this is more about sensitivity, lack of information and fear. But to say that this is a feminine disease is a complete falsehood. Some of the biggest gossips I know are men! Am I right, ladies?!
And who the hell is “scared shitless”? Did your mother not hug you?
Please read the full article when you have a chance. But take my advice and keep some Tylenol handy.