Orgasms are FANTASTIC.
They feel amazing. They’re a great release for built-up stress and tension, and they can work better than a sleeping pill for some. They’re able to lift your mood and help you bond with your lover. But, for the fairer sex, the female orgasm can also be really elusive.
Women often tell me, in whispers, that they can’t orgasm with a partner. They wonder what they’re doing wrong, and they usually end up faking it, either to get it “over with” or because they don’t want to cause hurt feelings. Most are assuming that vaginal orgasms during penetration are the “norm” (I hate that word!), and that they’re the anomaly. I spend lots of time assuring them that they’re mistaken: While *some* women are able to have vaginal orgasms, G-spot orgasms, anal orgasms, nipple or other erogenous-zone orgasms, the reality is that over 80% of women orgasm via clitoral stimulation.
Let. That. Sink. In.
I was never taught that I’m responsible for my own orgasms. I had to learn that lesson by being one of many women who faked her way through phantom “vaginal” pleasure, until one day, post coitus, my lover came out of the bathroom to find me masturbating to climax because I hadn’t while we were having sex. He was insulted, and I felt like I’d been caught doing something shameful which, in all actuality, I had. The fact that I thought I had to fake an orgasm just to please my partner WAS a shame. So what could I do?
I realized that I had put lots of stress on myself to have amazing multiple orgasms every time, only to be severely disappointed when I didn’t. I also discovered that an orgasm doesn’t always have to be the ultimate goal and as soon as I came to terms with that, I felt less pressure, which in turn led to easier orgasms. So, how do you apply this to yourself?
First, I recommend masturbation. The more familiar and comfortable you are with your own body, the better. Give yourself time to explore every inch of yourself to discover what you like and don’t like. Find the things that push you over the edge—whether it’s a fantasy, a phrase, a movie, a sound, a toy, a position, a technique, or a combination of all of the above, get in touch with what gets you off.
Then, try communicating your likes and dislikes with your partner. You can do this with casual conversation or positive reinforcement and gentle guidance. Incorporate instruction into your pillow talk. Narrate the experience to help get you started. For example: “I love the way this feels. I want you to ____ my ____.” This might sound a little forced or awkward at first, but once you get started, it can really be a great way to open up the lines of communication and feel sexy at the same time.
You can also let them watch.
Sure, it takes some nerve on your part, but allowing your partner to see you solo in a very vulnerable moment is the perfect teaching opportunity. They’ll be able to see exact techniques, angles, speed, and pressure that you might not be able to verbally explain as well as you need to. You can even make it mutual to learn about the way they get their orgasms, too.
“But NOTHING is helping! What now?”
There are many things that can inhibit your ability to orgasm. It could be a particular prescription medication, stress, illness—diagnosed or not—a flux in hormone levels, depression or anxiety. Or it could be, more than likely, a combination of all of the above. If you’ve lost your ability to reach orgasm and previously haven’t had any issues, please talk to your doctor. If they decide it’s not a medical issue, give yourself time and don’t be so hard on yourself … and return to my first suggestion.
If you’re stuck in that space between “almost there” and “not gonna happen,” don’t give up! I’m here for you, and so is your partner, plus there are a million other women in the same boat. You are NOT alone!
Adult superstar Jessica Drake is an exclusive Wicked Pictures contract performer, writer, and director, as well as an emerging sexual wellness authority. In her award-winning, self-directed “Guide to Wicked Sex” series, Jessica brings erotic topics to life through intimate demonstrations performed by some of today’s hottest adult stars. A charismatic public speaker, the same demand for her modern sex education DVDs also takes Jessica around the world, presenting seminars and workshops at expos, retail outlets, and universities, where she speaks to curious adults desiring to learn more about sex, romance, and communication. Follow her on Twitter, and visit Guide To Wicked Sex.