Picture this; it may have happened to you. You’re sitting in a restaurant with your new boyfriend, maybe you’ve been dating a few months, but you’re still in that honeymoon stage where everything’s fuzzy and warm and looks like rainbows. You’re staring into his eyes, when your gaze is diverted by the most gorgeous girl you’ve ever seen. Literally, the music stops, heads turn, she glitters. Then her face breaks into a huge grin and suddenly envelopes the newest love of your life in a very friendly hug. It’s his ex. Um…what?! Sometimes, it’s easy to forget your dude has a past…involving other girls. Here is a survival guide of the five exes you should steer clear from if you can…and how to handle them if you can’t.
The one with his kids
As we get older, as weird as it sounds (since I still feel like I’m 13), it becomes more and more possible that the dude you have your eye on has a kid. Although you should also start dating him cautiously (no matter what, there’s a third person involved, and you don’t want to end up being called Mommy when you don’t even know what a Diaper Genie is). With kids, naturally, comes their mom. Not only does this mean your new guy has an intense past, but he also has to talk to and see his ex on a regular basis…forever. There’s no room for you to be the “Jealous Girlfriend” here, because that kid will always come first, meaning the baby momma will always come second. Do the whole messy deal a favor, and don’t try to be BFF with the girl, just respect the boundaries and don’t discourage their relationship if it’s friendly. No need for a Jerry Springer: She’s Messin’ With My Baby Momma Part IV episode.
The one with the stink-eye
This is for the ex who shows up everywhere. He insists that they’re casual friends, but for some reason, she’s strangely at every event, party, and movie you guys attend with the whole “OMG, how are you guys? Soooo weird that you’re here too!” Then she gives you the cold shoulder and spends the whole night refilling his drinks and bringing up past inside jokes. If you can get past the serious annoyance aspect, just give your guy a heads up on what she’s doing, if he doesn’t know already. Then, proceed to be amused by the whole thing. If anything, he will appreciate you acting cool in the midst of his crazy ex, and recognize that you’re “The Cool Girlfriend.”
The one who could ruin your job
If you tend to date within your career industry, chances are, so do the guys you date. This means you may work in an incestuous minefield of women who could be bitter that you’re dating the “one who got away.” If you come face-to-face with a corporate ex, kill them with kindness, as my mother would say. Be extremely professional, and, if she isn’t, just point out that you should keep your personal matters out of the office, but you would be more than willing to discuss it later. If she actually takes you up on that, just make sure it’s not out in the parking lot at lunch, and that your co-workers aren’t taking bets. Keeping the visage of pure professionalism will give her the message that you are a real adult, as well as giving your boss the same impression.
The really, really hot one
They say to fake it ’til you make it, and if your boyfriend has a girlfriend who basically looks like Gisele and Megan Fox put together, you might have to fake it a little. That is, act like you’re just as hot as she is…chances are, if he’s dating you, he thinks you are. Jealousy is an ugly color on anyone, and if you spend plentiful amounts of time making snide comments about how low her IQ is, or how her brain really lives in her abnormally-large breasts, you’ll become less and less hot to him. Also, remember that there’s a reason why they broke up, and personality can make a person a whole lot less attractive.
The one on parole
Some guys have weird crazy girl fetishes, and there just might be a bi-polar arsonist lurking in his ex-back pocket. If for some reason he’s still talking to the girl who pretended to be pregnant for five months (like Terri Shuester in Glee, ahem), or set his car on fire, you might want to second guess dating him, depending on the circumstance. If he eats into all the drama, that could mean craziness in your future relationship. If he has a restraining order against the girl, maybe pack some pepper spray. Just in case.