Like my friend Michelle Obama, I firmly believe that a girl’s education is extremely important. Which is why I’ve busy boning, so I can educate you about the wonders of couples vibrators. I can now safely report that gone are the days where your only options were a strap-on or phallic-shaped vibrator; today’s couples toys are far more advanced, reaching your naughty bits in ways never imagined. So if you’re looking to take your sex life up a notch or just try something new, a couples vibe might be just what the doctor ordered.
Ahead, my in-depth reviews of five of the finest couples sex toys on the market right now.
This granddaddy of couple’s sex toys has been leading the way since Laura Ingalls Wilder got in her covered wagon. Alright, not quite, but it’s been around for a bit and has come out with multiple incarnations. The latest model, called We-Vibe 4 ($96; at Amazon) allows you to connect to an app so your partner can control the vibrator remotely. This C-shaped device is meant to be worn with one side inserted to stimulate your G-spot and the other side resting on your gummy bear (as Tommy Lee likes to call the clit). It has six different patterns at 10 different speeds for a whopping 60 combos. So far, so good, right? It seemed to have a veritable buffet of vibrations.
The vibration was interesting, but not necessarily stimulating—like an episode of ‘The Bachelorette.’
My partner J. and I were stoked to try this one out. I shoved the old girl in, trying to figure out how exactly this thing was supposed to rest on one’s clitoris. The arm that rests on the outside was simply too big; it ended up resting on my bikini line—a far cry from my clit. I had to wonder who they tested this on. The anatomical proportions it hinted at seemed improbable to me, but then again, I’m no gynecologist. I settled for leaving it where it was, giving J. the remote and letting him find the right vibration. Honestly, if that’s all this toy did, J. would have been thrilled. The mere thought of pleasuring me with an app filled him with indescribable glee.
But we had more work to do. At first it felt like my vag was having a threesome. But once I got used to it, it was kind of nice. It’s the kind of toy you use when you want to take it nice and slow, like an R&B song. We tried going faster, but it started to feel abrasive and like it might dislodge, so we stuck to our slower pace. According to J., the vibration was interesting, but not necessarily stimulating for him. Personally, I think We-Vibe would be great if you’re shagging someone (or you’re a guy) on the smaller side. It provides added tightness, all under the guise of being adventurous.
*Lesbian, gay, and hetero-friendly
Oh, Zini, you cute little thing, you. The Zini ($89.99; at Amazon) is a his-and-hers vibrator of sorts. Shaped like an egg, the two sides come apart to reveal two complimentary sides. One side has a shallow cavern to cradle a penis while the other has a raised area to stimulate lady parts. The egg shape fits well in the palm of a hand, allowing your partner to easily glide it wherever your heart (or loins) desire.
I have to admit it, I felt like I was in some slow-mo Sting-type tantric situation while using these. The Zini seems ideal for foreplay, allowing couples to take their time moving at a slower pace before revving things up. I felt like I was being caressed with something soft and mildly titillating. J. compared it to rubbing an electric toothbrush on his penis. When I burst out laughing, he quickly backpedaled, telling me he tried it as a kid. Um, sure buddy.
It’s a great way to build up tension before the big party.
We decided to increase the vibrations on our respective gadgets by moving them several notches up. I think I might have enjoyed it on the slow speed better, but let’s just say Zini came through. It’s a great way to build up tension before the big party. While the sensation was pleasant thanks to the smooth silicone, J. wasn’t really into the toy, other than to use it on me. I think I’m sensing a theme here.
Do you like the future? What about robots? Are you bored by your partner’s very human fingers? If so, you may very well enjoy the Hello Touch ($79; at Jimmyjane). Your partner wears the contraption on his or her hand so that the vibrators rest on the fingers. Now your partner can go to town on your lady parts with vibrating fingers designed to offer you the best of both worlds—the warmth of human touch and a vibrator’s stimulating buzz.
The vibrations are surprisingly strong for such a little contraption.
When J. first slipped this on, I couldn’t help but laugh (because I am childish, easily amused, and, I mean, look at it). Seeing J. with the Hello Touch on his hand was as sexual as seeing him do it in a pair of socks. However, once I got past this robotic hand, I was able to kick back and let him do his thing—and I realized it was actually hot, in a way. The vibrations are surprisingly strong for such a little contraption. J.’s only complaint is that his fingers were going numb from lack of circulation. In other words, if you have Donald Trump-ish hands, you should be fine, but anyone with normal size hands might find it too tight. The recipient, however, will simply enjoy the feel-good vibes.
*Lesbian, gay, and hetero-friendly
Hot Octopuss Pulse II
When it comes to toys and vibrators, it seems like girls have all the fun. Finally, thanks to the Hot Octopuss Pulse II ($99; at Amazon) (also lol wut), there’s a toy for the dudes and their man parts—but it’s shaped more like an egg that’s turned inside out. The Pulse II vibrates both on the inside with a “button” and on the outside with added ridges for extra pleasure.
It was like being in high school all over again, except with no clothes on.
To use it as a couples toy, the man simply slips it over his penis while the woman grinds on top. I have to say, at first it was weird to be on top simply grinding, rather than having him thrust in and out. It was like being in high school all over again, except with no clothes on. Ultimately, the Octopuss didn’t get me off, but it made for great foreplay.
*Gay and hetero-friendly
Prior to opening the box, my first thought about the Eva ($105; at Dame Products) was, “Holy shit, this is going to be amazing.” Like the rich goodness of a chocolate peanut butter cup, the Eva allows you to combine the best of both worlds: clitoral stimulation and sex. When I opened the package, however, I became afraid—very afraid. The unit itself was huge. I couldn’t fathom how on earth it was going to stay in place during sex.
When I opened the package and saw how huge it was, I was afraid.
In any case, the two “arms” are supposed to rest on your vaginal lips (or labia) while the unit rests on top of your clit. Trying to get it on was like trying to figure out how to put together IKEA furniture, and worse, once my partner and I did get it on, it didn’t stay put. I was disappointed—more disappointed than the time I accidentally left a bag of pumpkin munchkins on the subway. I really wanted it to work. I reasoned, maybe my vag is too small? Maybe it would work for someone with a larger surface area or labia? I have no idea, and I’m not sure whether I have exceptionally petite lady parts either, but it definitely didn’t work on me. Sad!
*Lesbian and hetero-friendly