You may know Amy Laurent from Bravo’s new hit “Miss Advised” (airing Mondays at 10 PM EST), where she helps young singles (and herself) navigate the perpetually complicated world of relationships. As an established matchmaker for over 7 years (she’s been featured on “The Today Show,” “The Early Show,” “Fox & Friends,” “Oprah” and a whole lot more), Amy has seen it all: the good, the bad and the ugly. And now, she’s here to share her wit and wisdom with you StyleCaster readers every week. If you can’t get enough Amy, you can preorder her book 8 Weeks to Everlasting here.- Don’t contact him or ask him out. Women should never initiate. Until you become officially boyfriend and girlfriend, sit back and let him come to you for the first text or call, always. Once you start initiating, it sends the message that the guy doesn’t have to do the work and he’ll let you be the one to be in charge of contacting him and will soon lose interest. Never ask him out – even if he contacts you, but hasn’t yet actually suggested a date. As frustrating as that may be, sit back and make him do the legwork. If he wants to see you, he’ll have to properly ask.
- Don’t connect on Facebook. Until you are in a relationship, Facebook is not allowed! This can only add more anxiety on a new dating situation or potential with a guy you like. Facebook stalking or obsessing never leads to anything positive and is likely to happen once two people connect shortly after they meet. Do yourself a favor — avoid this trap by not connecting in the first place too early on.
- Never accept same-day dates. Even if your new guy calls you on a Wednesday where you are bored out of your mind, with absolutely nothing to do but paint your nails – if he asks you what you are doing later, say you’re busy. Great girls are never available the same day a guy asks. You must send any new guy you’re interested in that message from day one. No exceptions. Your new guy will quickly learn, that if he wants to see a girl like you, you need a “man with a plan.” Tell him you might be free for a Friday or Saturday.
- Don’t sit and wait by the phone. Keep busy. It might be true that this is the guy you are interested in (and very well may end up with) and not Joseph, the guy your friend introduced you to who just asked you out. Go! Say yes to other dates, or casual meetings to get to know someone new. This can be a great tool for distraction and a way to avoid zeroing in all your focus on one guy too early on. Plus you never know who you’ll meet! At the same time, make plans with friends and keep your commitments. Men can sense this and like women who are “busy” and not just waiting for them eagerly by the phone.
- Avoid “dinner dates in” or movie dates at someone’s place. If you are looking for a relationship, having an intimate dinner or watching movies at his place too early is a huge no-no in courting. You want your guy to take you seriously, and you are more than just a casual girl he’s interested in making out with. The proper time needs to be taken for two people to get to know each other, without the temptations of sex too early. Spend time together in a public setting, do outdoor dates and switch things up in order to have fun with it. You’ll have plenty of time later as boyfriend and girlfriend for those dinner dates in.
- Wait for sex until after the exclusivity conversation. More often than not, sex before this exclusivity stage in the early weeks of dating can ruin a good thing. Why? Not enough time has gone by in order to solidify a proper bond or foundation between each other for the male to process what the sex means. How many times have we had sex with someone new and they begin to act differently almost immediately afterwards? It’s because they are confused and not sure what this “relationship” now means after sex (if you’ve entered this territory without the exclusivity conversation). Can you blame him for being attracted to you? No! However, men often look to women to define the relationship. So when he asks for sex, tell him you are attracted to him but prefer to wait. There are other things we can do. For more details, check out my book.
- Don’t overthink. Have fun! Yes, there are a few rules and trip-ups to avoid, but at the end of the day do trust yourself. Don’t overanalyze who or what this new guy means to you too soon. Enjoy the process of dating, and if you are going to give a guy a chance by saying yes to a date – well, then go into the date with a positive attitude. Enjoy yourself on your dates and realize that you are in control of your happiness at the end of the day by the choices we make. So have some fun with this!
- Don’t be a fool rushing in. Be open with your emotions, yet always in control. Your new guy needs to get to know you. So be open, yet don’t carelessly toss your heart out within the first few weeks of getting to know someone. Remember, you set the pace and you are building a strong, healthy, solid foundation with a great new guy who has longterm potential. Enjoy it, but always set the pace without jumping too ahead of yourself too quickly and you will have incredible results with the early stages of dating that lead to amazing relationships.
