5 Rules For How To Bar-Hop The Night Before Thanksgiving

Spencer Cain

Tomorrow may be Thanksgiving, but tonight is a holiday in itself — although it may be a little bit less family friendly than Turkey Day. Not only is it a huge club night in cities like New York and Los Angeles, but it’s a particularly beloved night for twenty-somethings who return home to their beloved suburban towns and are forced to deal with heinously awkward encounters when hitting the bars.

You really shouldn’t go out without a game plan on Thanksgiving Eve, so please, take a look at my handy rules to keep the night under control — believe me, I’m an expert.

  1. Stay local. Look, things may get hazy tonight, so stay in your comfort zone. The only appropriate way to travel is via foot, or via designated driver. Do not put yourself in a situation where you have to board a train at the end of the night. Do you know what will happen if you do this? Well, I’ll tell ya — Murphy’s Law will set in, and it will be Thanksgiving morning and you’ll be passed out in the bus station clutching an empty cocktail from the bar and some stripper’s business card. DO NOT GO OUT WHERE YOU CAN’T GET HOME WITHIN A FEW MINUTES. Go out in the city over the weekend.
  2. Get ready to fake it. It’s inevitable: Tonight, you will run into those people you hated from high school, and they will probably have better jobs/boyfriends/girlfriends/looks/lives than you. Or they will be total townie losers, but whatever. Regardless, you need to have your game face on. Grease up those pearly whites for a night of fake smiling, and atrocious conversations. If you want to come off better than you are at the moment (come on, we’ve all done it), make sure to warn your counterparts not to contradict the lies you may spew throughout the evening.
  3. Dress comfortably. I get the urge to be impossibly chic when hitting the town, but it’s important that you keep it comfortable or else disaster will ensue. Sure, your new Louboutins that you maxed out your credit card to buy are cute and all, but there’s really no need to step out in six inches tonight. Put some basic makeup on, but don’t go overboard. You will wake up with foundation and Jim Beam seeping out of your pores. Honestly, it’s not cute. Throw on a basic cardigan, a pair of jeans, and some flats. (However, I consulted a fashion editor friend of mine, who insisted, “No, I would dress slimming — so bitches who haven’t seen you in awhile are like WOW.”) If you can’t resist being a little flashy, feel free to accessorize. Oh, and if you’re a guy, don’t dress like a hipster ass*ole. Stick to jeans or corduroys and a sweater or sweatshirt. This is not Brooklyn.
  4. Charge your f*cking phone. It’s really annoying when a friend’s phone dies, because half of the time they are lying. This is going to be a stressful night and you may be dragged around a bit and find yourself in a position that isn’t great. In any case, you need to have an out available at all times, and be in constant contact with your cohorts. There are honestly no excuses. Charge your phone before you go out. And if you’re like me, you have no shame asking the bartender to plug in your BlackBerry for you. In fact, I am redoing this rule. Bring your charger with you. You never know!
  5. No photographic evidence. Honey, no matter how hard you try, you’re not going to be channeling Gisele tonight. No one wants to see your mobile uploads, tempting as it may be to click that camera button. When one of your gal pals calls you over for a group kissy face pic, make sure you avoid it. In fact, get up and leave the bar. Friends who are going to take pictures of you in this situation are NOT your friends.

Okay people, happy Thanksgiving Eve. Be safe, or you WILL be sorry.

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