When it comes to dating, we all know how hard it is to know who the bad seeds are (especially if your type is the bad seed), and especially if when we meet them it’s in a haze of bar smoke and tequila. It’s easy to think everyone is nice and worth your time, or think that everyone sucks and you’re better off becoming a nun and devoting your life to Jesus. No need to purchase a rosary yet, sister, because here’s a list of the easy-to-pick-out dudes who you should avoid like a pair of camouflage Crocs.
The Guy Who Lives With His Mother
This one is easy to justify in your head – “Well…he needs to take care of his family,” or “It’s super temporary and it’s only because he’s trying to save money.” No. The second he says you can’t chill at his place because it’s his mom’s night to watch Desperate Housewives, say “peace.” Avoid if you can. There’s nothing like always having the guy in your apartment, or having to endure the walk of shame past his parents in their bathrobes. It also implies a few insecurities about growing up and being self-sufficient, something that is imperative to a relationship. Moving along…
The Guy Who Wears a Bluetooth…All The Time
Even if he works for Verizon, there’s no excuse why he can’t talk on the phone like a normal human being. Plus…if he’s constantly plugged into something (something that makes him look like Madonna circa 1985, or a McDonald’s drive-thru worker), that means he will never completely be paying attention you…you’re just filler until his next important call comes through. That is…if he ever actually gets important calls, and it’s not just a cover. A Bluetooth is like the man version of the scrunchie.
The Guy Who Knows His Marc Jacobs Better Than You
There is nothing wrong with a well-dressed man, in fact, we appreciate them in all forms. However…be careful when you meet a man who mentions how current your Miu Miu heels are, or that your bag would be better paired with some Chloe boots he saw last week. Mr. I Know My Prada could either be gay, or higher maintenance than you. It’s one thing if he’s Jay-Z and will take you shopping, another if he’s going to be judging the Snuggie you keep in your apartment. If you suspect he may like boys…send him over to Bluetooth guy.
The Club Promoter
It might be nice to be able to jump the line at Marquee or have free bottle service at 1Oak (we’ve all done it), but never date a club promoter. It’s nice to have one in your back pocket to impress your high school friends when they come to town, but they’re notoriously slutty and are more trouble than you’re ready for. Not only will they ditch you the minute Lily Donaldson wants to talk to them, but if things go south you can never go back to, well, any club again.
The Two Polo Shirt Guy
Not so much a city thing, but this is definitely a shout-out to college campuses nation-wide. If you can spot their spray tan from across a frat house, you can bet they’re sporting two popped-collar polos as well. Maybe you’re going through a jock phase, which is fine. Just stick to the shy floppy-haired soccer players rather than the guy who’s playing beer pong with Muscle Milk. I shouldn’t have to explain why…you’re just better than that.