A 12-Step Program to Get Lindsay Lohan Back On Track

Spencer Cain

Talking about Lindsay Lohan‘s issues is like beating a dead horse. Despite her many attempts and claims that she is getting better and focusing on her career, this doesn’t seem to be the case. It certainly doesn’t help that everyone has an opinion. Between the unflattering media coverage and the complete losers who sell her out for a few bucks and a picture in a tabloid (we’re looking at you, Michael Lohan), it’s obviously hard for her to focus on what’s most important: herself.

Just today, Radar Online posted a story about Liv Tyler‘s mom, legendary rock groupieBebe Buell, slamming Lindsay and her mom, Dina.Bebe then proceeded to claim that if Lindsay came and lived with her, she’d have her back on her feet in no time. (Okay, no offense Bebes, but you’re really don’t have any room to talk. In light of all YOUR youthful indiscretions and tell-all books, it rings somewhat hypocritical in tone to me.)

As a counterpoint, I have decided to compile my own list of tips that might actually HELP our favorite ginger goddess reclaim her former glory:

  • Step 1: In terms of your career, your next role needs to be with a respected indie director. Is this what you thought you were doing when you signed on to play Linda Lovelace? WRONG. STAY AWAY FROM SEXY. Ugly wins the Oscar, honey. I mean, look at Charlize Theron.
  • Step 2: I know you love La La Land and that New York City will always be your beloved hometown, but it’s time to give it up, kid. Plunk down some of that savings (ha) on a spread somewhere random, like Texas or Utah. You’ll be able to hit up your favorite cities whenever you’re working or doing press, and in the meantime you’ll be able to relax. (Lord knows you can afford more space down south.)
  • Step 3: Speaking of money, it’s time to curb those spending habits. I know this is easier said than done, believe me. (Every time I get a paycheck I find myself running around Barneys and shrieking for PS1s like a cat in heat.) But it’s time to get more realistic. You don’t need a new blue jean Birkin when you have a black one. Plus, you have a ton of crap in your closet that you probably don’t even know you have.
  • Step 4: Bulk up, baby. Bebe mentions this in her manifesto too, so I feel weird repeating it all things considered. I don’t think it’s a matter of not eating: I’ve seen plenty of paparazzi shots of you outside of In-N-Out at 3 AM ready to get freaky on some Animal Style fries. Just get on a better eating schedule, and the rest will follow.
  • Step 5: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO MORE BLONDE HAIR!!!
  • Step 6: Go to school. No, not as a full-time student, but take a few classes here and there. The structure will help your time management habits and encourage you to think big picture.
  • Step 7: You may not be able to pick your family, but you CAN pick your friends, so please ditch some of those LA trust fund brats with bad hair you’ve been palling around with as of late. Just because they have cool dreads, Celine bags and went to Harvard-Westlake (ew) doesn’t mean they have your best interests in mind. We all learn that the hard way.
  • Step 8. Stop being a bitch. It’s not cute and it’s getting really old. Humility and humor are great tools when it comes to making a comeback — just ask Robert Downey Jr.
  • Step 9: Freeze out most of your fam. Your family is known throughout the media as being toxic. Avoid involving them in your career and keep them away from red carpet events. You don’t want to get caught having a tiff with Dina at Boom Boom again. (Trust me, not a good look for either of you.)
  • Step 10: Do more than just spend money and party. This is sort of obvious, but try a little more “image repair” like doing some community service. (And no, not the kind that you get photographed doing.) Really, just go visit some damn dogs at a shelter or something.
  • Step 11: Remind yourself every day that you ARE talented. You’ve just lost way. I’m a firm believer in you, and I always have been. You made me laugh, cry and question who I am thanks to Freaky Friday. Why waste something special on bar openings and B-list Oscar parties?
  • Step 12: Wear a bra more often — trust me, you’ll thank me later.

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